I am in shock. Trigger Warning: discussion of rape and abuse

 I literally just came to a realization... and I am in shock.

I spend a lot of time on Reddit, and give a lot of advice. Recently, I was talking to someone who is trying to tell their father that his friend raped and abused her, numerous times. As I'm replying, telling them about "Spilled Milk" (an amazing book by a SURVIVOR) I realized something.

I have claimed since I was in high school that I was raped. There's no denying it, even the other person involved knows it was, and we came to terms with that together. It was an experience that changed both of us and made us more aware, or so I thought. 

For a decent chunk of my adult life, I was in abusive relationships. I know that, not a surprise there. But as I'm giving advice and talking to people about their experiences, I got hit with a brick wall. 

All those times I said NO and was bullied or forced into sexual situations. That's RAPE. All the times I made it clear that I did not want sex, but was scared of being physically hurt. That's rape. All the times I was told it was my wifely duty, and I pulled away, said no, and it happened anyway. That's rape.

It got to the point where I didn't trust these people, I needed to drink to be relaxed enough to enjoy sex. If I don't trust someone, the attraction is gone, my body seizes up. For years I didn't understand why, and now I know. 

I am a victim. There are so many things about my personality, and my interactions, that stem from this. I wondered why I am not as confident as I used to be in high school. Now I get it. I had fully owned my experiences back then. But, I had shoved all of this trauma down, hid it behind things, and pasted on a smile. Especially for the sake of my children. 

I can't anymore. Now that I see these things for what they really are, I can work to heal myself, and become my truest self. I am in a great relationship with the most understanding loving human ever. I have a great support team in friends and family. I need to find myself somewhere in all this pain, and drag her out for the world to see. 

It's time to repair myself.

Ornithoscelidaphobia: why me????

So I have Ornithoscelidaphobia.

What the heck is that, you say?

It's a damn fear of dinosaurs. Yup. Dinosaurs. 

Yes, I do know this is illogical. Dinosaurs don't exist. And I enjoy the Jurassic Park movies, so what gives?

When I was in elementary school, We went to the Academy of Natural Sciences. (Side note: I have kids now and still avoid this place) While walking around, we came upon the T-Rex skeleton. I looked up, and up, and up at this massive creature, and swore I saw its jaw quiver. Not like it was going to eat me, like it was going to fall. Nope, I ran all the way back to the tiny dinos, where nothing would squish me. 

I have noticed that I can stand T-Rexs if they are face level with me (went to Dinofest years ago, not an issue). But if I am suddenly shocked by one (like the time I went to a haunted farm and the hayride had a Lost World section), nope, I turn into a ball of tears. Panic mode ensues, and I am done. 

I even recall going to Franklin Institute the year after, and seeing dinosaur stickers on the walls, and freaking out (I calmed down once I was assured there were none). 

Any day trips I plan with the kids, if there are dinosaurs on the website, it's a no-go. I am trying to get back to the Academy now, but I'm still terrified. Even the aquarium, which had something hanging from the ceiling, I had to shut my eyes and be led under it. Face level, fine.

(I also have a fear of heights and buildings more than 3 stories tall, probably for the same reason.)

Side note, I do have a healthy fear of stuff falling on me, like the piano at Ripley's Believe It or Not. So maybe that is why?

If you want to see my Tiktok rant about this topic, click here!