I am clinically depressed. I know this. I go through periods when I think I'm not because I feel better, but the downward spiral always comes. I am not on medication, but I have been before and eventually may have to try them again.
My journey was long and hard to get where I am today, and it is definitely not over. I have faced abandonment and abuse over the years, from various people. I find it hard to trust; adversely, I choose to trust everyone until they hurt me. Maybe not the best decision, but it is what fits my personality. I love everyone equally until they either screw me over or make me love them more. I choose to see the good in people... the only exception is myself.
Most days, I see myself through dark eyes. I feel ugly, and stupid, and generally not good enough. In my mind, it's like the battle of good and evil. I know none of these things are really true, but the devil inside screams really loud sometimes.
It is 1000% okay to feel this way. I want everyone to know this, and see it as fact.
YOU AREN'T DAMAGED.
I choose to look at it (when I'm actually ok) as me having a little extra crazy. I don't view craziness as a bad thing, because honestly, who wants to be normal? It's boring.
I have gone to therapy, but every time, I hit a wall, usually when talking about one specific topic, and I can't progress any further. Or I get worse. So I stop going. I will say I fully recommend trying therapy if you haven't, but you have to really work at it. I put everything I had into my sessions, and eventually it stopped helping, but that's ok, too.
I learned coping techniques. They are different for everyone, but the main idea is to find something you love, that gets you out of your head. For me, that changes daily. Some days I like to read, others I hula hoop, or dance, and others I write. The point is to lose yourself in something other than your own head.
Don't be afraid to talk to someone about your problems. PLEASE. Especially if you have suicidal thoughts. There are hotlines with people just waiting to help you. Use them. One thing I don't recommend is to post to social media, because someone will always say something stupid and make you feel worse.
Last tip: don't be alone. I know sometimes that is all you want to do, but don't. Get out, go do something social. This can be hard, I know, because I have social anxiety. (I wasn't always like that, I used to be very outgoing, but it developed while I was a stay at home mom and still hasn't gone away fully.) Awkward thought: my mind goes straight to bowling. If you are alone it really isn't that social, but that was my night life growing up. My dad was on a team, so I was there every weekend, and made tons of friends, some of whom I still talk to.
In closing, don't beat yourself up too bad. You aren't the only one going through this, you aren't alone. All you have to do is reach out.
