I am almost 34 weeks pregnant now. And I am scared out of my mind. Let me tell you why.
With my firstborn, my whole pregnancy went well. I was healthy, baby was healthy, and my biggest fear was dying (I was 18, and watched the worst possible movies while pregnant lol). I had no doubt that my baby would be born perfectly fine. I did not ask about epidurals, or take any classes, or think about what might happen if there was an issue. At 39 weeks, I had my final ultrasound, and something was wrong with my baby. I met with a doctor I had never seen before, and he told me I would need a C-section or to be induced, which may end up turning into a C-section anyway. I decided to skip induction. It was a terrifying decision for me, and I was such a mess that I could barely sleep.
The next morning (yes, I had less than 24 hours to let it all sink in), I was so nervous. I woke up at 5am, and felt like I was frozen. The whole way to the hospital (one I had never been to before, due to my hospital of choice not doing "emergency procedures") I was shaking. My nerves were shot, and I ended up throwing up all over admissions. I was lucky enough to have two family members with me, and they took care of everything and got me cleaned up. Then, I went upstairs... to about 7 people waiting. My baby's father had brought not just his immediate family, but 2 of his friends without warning me. I didn't really know what to do, and it made my stress worse. Labor ended up starting as they were prepping me. It was a horrible experience, and I now realize it was because I had no control at all.
This time, I am a tiny bit more prepared. I want a natural birth, but I know I may not be able to due to complications. Every doctor I have seen says they will let me attempt it, but I may not have as much freedom as someone who has not had a C-section. That's okay. I am thankful that they didn't immediately say no, and for the opportunity to do things the way I want.
I have also made a big decision about visitors. Last time, people showed up at the hospitals (both my delivery hospital and the children's hospital) without me knowing they were coming. We had visitors every single day, a few of which were unwelcome. It felt like I wasn't allowed to have privacy, and that wasn't really fair. My daughter was sick, and it was like a parade. I also felt guilty for saying I wanted time alone, even though it was needed.
This time, I have decided to make a list. There will be specific people who will know when I have my daughter, so that they can visit. This is my personal time to bond with my daughter, as well as my fiancé's. We are not a circus. I am going to be very picky about who I put on this list, simply because there are people who may not understand the word privacy. I do not need random people showing up because someone told them. We will also not be posting pictures or anything on social media until we get home.
I am not a horrible person. I just want to be comfortable and keep the situation as stress-free as possible. If someone wants to visit at the hospital, they can ask, and they either go on the list or I'll request that they wait until we are home and settled. It's not a personal vendetta. It's what's best for us to keep us calm and relaxed so we can enjoy our newborn.
I hope no one takes offense to this. I am really not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, I am just trying to keep sane in an intense situation. Thank you for understanding.
