Daydreaming on Paper prompt

 List ten things that you have lost or given away that you would like to have back again.

1.  My photo collection. I had a box full of photos, of my childhood, family, kids. I lost them when I had to decide between a storage unit and electricity.
2.  My acoustic guitar. Again, I lost this with the storage unit. My dad bought it for me when I was 16, and it was my stress comfort for a long time.
3.  My baby blanket. I am almost positive my mother got rid of this. I had packed it for an overnight trip to my friends house, and somehow it disappeared. Again, a source of comfort.
4.  My jade necklace. My aunt bought me this beautiful jade necklace, and I took it off to shower and when I came out it was gone. Again, I feel my mother had something to do with this, as I never saw it again.
5.  My surgery bear. When I was 5, I had my first surgery. My grandparents bought me a stuffed bear that lay on a pillow and played music. It was a source of comfort, not just for me, but my roommate in the hospital as well. My mother threw it away one of the many times she "cleaned" my room. 
6.  My engagement ring. This may seem dumb. But I bought this ring myself, and it signified a lot over the years. It got destroyed, much like I destroyed that relationship.
7.  My grandmother's items. I inherited a decent amount of Native American memorabilia when my grandmother died. Over the years, it has disappeared, or been destroyed accidentally in moves. I have a few pieces left, and I cling to their memories.
8.  My N64. Honestly, nothing compares to this system. The memories and nostalgia attached to it... (see also: Sega Genesis)
9.  My poetry book. Senior year of HS, I took Words, Music, and Poetry. Our final project was a book. I decorated mine with pictures, and poured so much into it. Some of my best work was in there.
10.  Honestly, I can't think of anything else. Everything that crosses my mind is superficial and can easily be replaced, aside from people and ideas. 

Take the Time

 I went on a vacation this weekend... sort of.

My boyfriend and I went to a hotel not too far from home. We sprung for a suite, with a hot tub. We brought dvds, and just spent a weekend enjoying our life together. We went to the zoo, ate out, and just spent time together as a couple. 

With both of us working, and the kids, it is hard to remember who we are as a couple. We steal little moments here and there, but our life revolves around the kids and making memories and providing security for them. This weekend was just about us. 

That sounds so selfish, but I have come to realize that couples need that. It is so easy to forget who you are together, aside from just parents and workers. We are a team, yes. But we also fell in love with an individual, and you should take time to reconnect.

It doesn't matter how you do it. We didn't go far, and we were still available if the kids needed us. But we made sure we were together, alone, and focused on each other the whole time. 

In the past, I haven't been the greatest mate. Mainly because I've never taken the time to fall in love with my significant other again. My sole focus was the kids, and my love life suffered constantly and repeatedly. I have found the person I want to spend forever with, and I am willing to put in the work.

When was the last time you were just... together?

Eat Pray Love... A Short Review

 I watched the movie before reading the book... bad idea.

I did love the book. It took me entirely too long to read, because I never had time. However, I was biased because of the movie. The movie romanticized the story a lot, and skimmed over some topics. 

The way the author told the story, with so much detail, moved me. I felt like I was living it, especially at where I was in my life. I found a desire to travel to these places she was describing. I bought a set of mala beads. I tried to meditate... and failed. 

This book makes me want to do more, be more. And that is absolutely because of the author's ability to write. The movie did nothing like that. It felt decadent, where the book felt raw and true.

I read this months ago, and while I do not fully remember the story, I remember the main plot points, and especially how I FELT while reading it. 

Reading Tarot Intuitively

 I have a habit of leaning hard on my instruction books. Not the easiest way to do readings. So I did a short class on intuitive readings, and since I am a highly intuitive human, I figured I could do this. Today was day one, and I am going to try to log my journey here, as well as in my journal. The idea is, I pull a card, read it, and then notice how it influences/comes into my day. Then at night I write down those things.

First, the deck I am using: 

She's gorgeous, right? Not gonna lie, this is not the deck I was planning on getting. I decided to go to the store and buy a whole new deck to work with, because my main deck (which I adore) is rude, and my others are a little too different to work with yet. But when I chose one, I reached over this one and I could FEEL it. So yup she came home with me. 

Note: I did not take the time to break her in yet.... hence day one.

• Day one: 3/1/2021: Immense failure of a pull. I pulled the Page of Cups, which I looked at and tried to tell the story. Which if I was a little more comfortable I would have gotten. I went to: a boy walking on a bed of flowers with a chalice in his hands... but there's something else in his hands (idiot, its a cloud). So I went to the book, and the internet, because I couldn't understand. It is essentially a messenger of intuition, inspiration, and relationships....
• End of day thoughts: So... I tend to have heavy anxiety, especially if I don't hear from someone. My bf did not respond to me until nighttime. Normally I'd freak out thinking he hates me, going to break up with me, etc. I had to use my intuition to know nothing was wrong. I used personal motivation to start reading 2 books (one of which I have already finished. I was also inspired to take a detour and give a gift to the Gods for all that I have received physically and spiritually in the past few months.
• Day two: 3/2/2021: Judgement. This deck is really hard to read intuitively, but I refuse to give up. The card itself at first look is dreadful. There's a big guy, and he is surrounded by what looks like the good and evil angels that go on your shoulders, ya know? And he is blowing a horn, either at a person, or this person fell out of it. However, upon closer inspection, this person was falling into a bed of flowers. So not too scary. I was unsure of what it actually meant after 5 minutes, especially because I'm clueless about the Major Arcana. So I did look it up. It means physical and spiritual natures joining, new energy, new beginnings, and a fresh outlook. So pretty uplifting...
• End of day thoughts: Well, this isn't the end of the day yet, but I noticed it so I am writing it. In the book I am reading, it is talking about Eros and Psyche, who, when they wed, form a union of soul, spirit, and flesh. I also realized how much better I feel, without really noticing it. 
• Day three: 3/3/2021: Two of Pentacles: This card literally flew out of my deck as I was asking what message I needed to receive today. I know that twos mean equality and partnership, and pentacles deal with financial things. However, when I look at this card, I also notice that the two people are standing back to back, holding each other up, and the coins are entwined with an infinity symbol. So maybe, equality of finances, equality of burden and responsibilities... not necessarily by myself and someone else. Maybe it has to do with me being able to balance things...
• End of day thoughts: Not really many. My dad got his check after floundering for the last month. I am still floating above my budget. I mean, everything seems in balance. Maybe I just needed to look at it? 
• Day four: 3/4/2021: Queen of Swords: Again I did go to the book, BUT I did try to get as much from the card on my own before that. What I saw: a shiny woman with wild hair, who is serious and holding a crazy sword upright in her hand. The book/site says: spiritual perception, independence, someone with clear boundaries, not a woman to mess with. Okay, I can work with that lol...
• End of day thoughts: I honestly don't know. I know that I found a long lost cousin yesterday... not that I think he will ever talk to me, but at least I know he's okay. Same thing with my best friend. It took me a bit, but I figured out how to reach him. It was an emotional day for me but I held it together pretty well, I think.
• Day five: 3/5/2021: So. After shuffling the deck, I pulled Queen of Swords. I'm starting to think that may be my new significator. However, for the purpose of this exercise, I am trying to do a new card every day. So I drew again. This time it was Four of Swords. Fours mean stability, like a table, or a square. Swords are based in logic and communication. So far today I have been using logic and communication a lot. Let's what the rest of the day brings.
• End of day thoughts: Honestly, I didn't really pay much attention. Which is horrible. But I made sure my family was secure for the weekend, spent time with them, tried to relax and overcome a lot of anxiety (lots of being stuck in lines, which sets me off). A lot of open dialogue with my eldest daughter, which she needs to be secure. Opening up old lines of communication with people, finding people who were long lost. So, pretty eventful I guess?
• Day six: 3/8/2021: Eight of Cups: This one... I'm unsure how to interpret. I saw a woman holding (she was actually behind) a basket of chalices, water below her, moon above her, and a cliff next to her. To me, it felt calm. I did look it up for clarification. It means the need for emotional regeneration, and moving on from overwhelming emotional situations. This could be for myself or my daughter. We are both transitioning from traumatic events of the past, trying to search for a better future. However, she has voiced the issue of feeling lost, and not being able to find herself and let go. I guess we will see what today has in store for us and what lessons we learn.
• End of day thoughts: So I did tell my daughter about this pull. However, I do not know if it affected her. I did have a discussion with my boyfriend about my inability and struggles to make choices. Which is caused by not having any control to make decisions in the past... So I need to overcome that. 
• Day seven: 3/9/2021: Temperance: This card depicts an angel pouring liquid from one vessel to another. This one was pretty straight forward to me. Balance. It also means patience, cooperation, and understanding.
• End of day thoughts: Yesterday was an exercise in patience and understanding. In my job, where everyone wanted to be grumpy at me for no damn reason. In the world, where so many people were being crazy, but at a snail's pace. And in my personal life, where it felt like people were ignoring me (they weren't) and not around. Side note: we went for a late night walk and felt a weird presence that was almost... stalking us. 
• Day eight: 3/10/2021: I'm starting to wonder if this deck is even mine... Five of Cups: a woman pouring liquid from a cup, as others topple and spill around her. Regret, Wallowing...
• End of day thoughts: I talked to my daughter about this. And she decided to take over this deck. Also I gave her a piece of clear quartz.... and it keeps removing itself from her sight.

I think I may change my deck that I do daily pulls with. This one does not seem to be resonating with me, but picking up on my daughter and her needs. Therefore, tonight I am going to test this theory and switch to this deck:

I have had this deck for a very long time. I no longer have the box, she is housed in a velvet bag. I was avoiding using her for this exercise for a very important reason: she's a bitch. Yeah, I'll get a proper reading, but it's going to be very "in your face" and snarky. I have asked, just to test it, who I was. I pulled out 5 different cards, one at a time, all showing females. I will say, I do feel a connection with this one, even when I'm neglectful for months at a time. Whoops... 

• Day nine: 3/11/2021: I have learned that if this deck wants me to see something, I will freaking see it or it will "shock" me. I thought one card was pulled. It was two. So here they are: Three of Coins, and the Hierophant. 

        --Three of coins: I look at this and see collaboration. There are three women sitting together, working on various things, but all very much relaxed as a group. There is a man standing behind them with a book, and someone on a ladder doing work on the wall, where the coins are set. Book meaning: creativity rewarded.

        --The Hierophant: This man, in an obvious elevated position (Pope?). Two people behind him, looking at him adoringly, piously. He is adorned with a coin-like brooch, with keys hanging from it. He is holding a staff. The feeling I get from this is a smugness?? (That could just be the deck being a jerk, as always lol.  Book meaning: spiritual understanding once you leave the past in the past, and times of change.

•  End of day thoughts: Eff this day. I spent the whole first half of my day fighting with someone, to the point where I turned my phone off. I haven't turned my phone off for more than 10 minutes for YEARS, because of my kids. I needed the break. I spent the rest of the day, and night, blaring music, and screaming the lyrics, and crying over a mother that isn't there, and then falling into calm with the best man I have ever met. SO MUCH to unpack from this day and I just have zero desire to do so.
• Day ten: 3/12/2021: Ten of Wands: A man carrying ten wands outside of walls to where large bags are waiting for him. He seems forlorn. Behind him in the distance is a city. Carrying a heavy load or burden. Ha isn't that the truth...
• End of day thoughts: So normally I get paid on Fridays, however today, nope. I'll be getting paid on the 15th. Fine whatever, I just had to make adjustments. But, this does mean that more adjustments need to be made for this weekend. And I still have yesterday's weight on me. Also, this weekend was trying, in many ways.
• Day eleven: 3/15/2021: Three of Swords: A woman standing on a pillar holding a book. Dark storm clouds all around her. In the sky, a heart with three swords driven into it. I did check my book after trying to decipher, and I was right... almost. What I thought: sadness, loss of a relationship. The book said: misery and sorrow at the end of a relationship, but time will ease the pain...
• End of day thoughts: I'm already going through this. This is my deck being a jerk because I pulled the Hierophant again and refused to read it lol. It essentially is saying "oh no, you will hear me!" So essentially, it is still telling me to move from the past to be happy, just in a much snarkier way. I wish I could. I do. However, every single day I am being bullied and attacked by someone in my past, and unfortunately I can't just block them.
• Day twelve: 3/16/2021: Nine of Wands: An injured, well-dressed man standing outside of the city gates. He uses a wand (a long stick) as a crutch; the others stand upright as fortification. The city is far off, and well protected. Maybe he belongs in the city? Book meaning: Be prepared for challenges, and all will go well; a time of change approaches. Someone (a man) comes to mind when I see this, however it could just be because I'm tired of his crap lol...
• End of day thoughts: I am assuming that this is more of a warning for the near future. The day was mildly hectic, but otherwise really good.
• Update 3/23/2021: My boyfriend's job is ending in 2 months. Huh.
• Day thirteen: 3/17/2021: Six of Cups: Two children are relaxing in a garden. Six cups are around them, filled with blooming flowers. One child is reading, the other is holding a bird. It is a very peaceful scene. I did try to read this intuitively; all I felt was an overwhelming peace with where I am. The book says: innocence, faithful acceptance, unconditional and unquestioning love. Honestly, I think this might be because right now I am not stressed, have had a really good evening and morning, and woke up to the love of my life. 
• End of day thoughts: It really was a nice calm day. No fighting, just peace and love.
• 3/18/2021: I am skipping today, as it has been a weird morning and I am having difficulties clearing my mind.
• Day 14: 3/19/2021: Eight of Wands: A bird flying over 8 wands, one has a scroll with a message written on it. Below, a countryside. Book meaning: travel, ideas swiftly made reality.
• End of day thoughts: Well, right before I pulled this card, I ordered tickets for a museum... that I literally decided to go to that moment. I also planned a weekend away. 
• I am taking a bit of a break, as I am overwhelmed with life. Nothing bad, just so much to do. I will be back at it soon.
• Day 15: 4/19/2021: The Fool: This would be the card I pull my first day back. A woman holding a drum, oblivious to the fact that she is standing on a cliff. A dog jumps on her as if to warn her. The feeling I get from this card directly correlates to how my weekend went. I had quite a few near misses, and a slow feeling of dread has snuck up on me. This feels like a warning. The book says that it means blissful ignorance, and an unknown force may bear on a question at hand... 
• End of day thoughts: One month later, I'm still pulling this card.
• Day 16: 5/20/2021: Five of cups reversed: Normally I don't do reversed readings. However, I try really hard to keep my cards facing the same way. I pulled this card upright from the last deck. I am not going to do this as an intuitive reading, as I also pulled The Fool. Book meaning: a card of regret and disillusionment, but hope will soon be restored. I have been feeling like something is off for the past week. It might be in my head. I don't know. There's a lot going on in my life, with choices of housing, kids' issues, etc. I can't even begin to unpack this pull right now.
• End of day thoughts: I was struggling the past couple days. Last night was great. It's like everything just sorta fell into place for a bit. I was so stressed and now yet again I am calm. 
• Day 17: 5/21/2021: Knight of Wands: First impression of this card: "Look at this fancy asshole." No, really, look:

            This dude seems so self-assured. I read confidence, especially since there is a fire behind him and he is just like, nope not today. (Also, I LOVE fire). This card feels like pure "big dick energy" to me. Also, looking it up, it shows up when someone is moving to a new residence, or about to travel/go on an adventure. Yup that's me! Side note: boyfriend also has an interview today :)

• End of day thoughts: My boyfriend got the job (didn't tell me til he actually started). Still waiting on the house (it is all set to move in, just waiting on one more thing).
• Day 18: 6/7/2021: Six Of Wands: Bro, can you calm down?! My deck refused to let me shuffle properly, kept sticking on this card. Okay fine I get it! So, 3 guys on horses, one walking behind with a bugle. Not gonna lie, their head wrappings made me think they were injured at first. There are banners and flags attached to 2 of the "wands". These are obviously important travelers. Book meaning: success after hardship, public acclaim. Maybe today will be the day we get the go-ahead to move in... Side note: I purchased a piece of moldavite, which supposedly clears obstacles that are holding you back. 
• End of Day thoughts: Nope, not today. I am however, getting a slight move up at work (not a full promotion, which is fine).

• Day 19: 6/9/2021: The Devil: Oh. Okay. Well I mean, this card depicts hell and suffering. But, I could also take the damn thing literally. I had 3 different guys bounce into my inbox today. One to try to drag me down, one as a friend venting about his life, and the other asking me personal crap because he doesn't have boundaries. The book meaning of this card is that something is holding you back, or that its time to battle inner demons.
• End of day thoughts: One person blocked: this was a struggle, as I always view this person as "not bad", but then he really is not good for my life. The one dragging me down: proved him wrong, so like always he dropped it only to attack me about something else later. I cried all the way home. I am so tired of fighting with this person; I just want to have a happy,quiet life with my family. I am tired of being questioned about literally everything I do. I'm done with it. 
• Day 20: 6/10/2021: Four of Cups: First pull was Judgement again. Thank you for the uplifting message, especially after yesterday. Then Nine of Wands. Time of change. Finally I pull Four of Cups. New opportunities being offered, but ignored. I am too tired to even try to intuit these, but it seems pretty straightforward.  Change and opportunities. For the love of god let it be the damn house already! LOL
• End of day thoughts: