Losing Myself

Truth time.

Sometimes I look at myself and don't see myself. I see "mom" or "wife", but not myself.

It is so easy to lose sense of who you are once you stop doing everything that defines you. Think about it: Who are you? How do you define yourself? I bet you one of the first three things is your job. Then comes what you look like, what your values are, etc. But what happens when it's all gone?

I became a stay-at-home mom when I got pregnant. Before that, I could tell you exactly who I was: a senior sales rep and driver for Autozone. I wore jeans most of the time, and dyed my hair and cut it when I was stressed. My nails tended to be short and painted random colors. I worked out at least 3 times a week, and even if I didn't, I walked so much and lifted so many heavy parts that it counted as exercise. Sometimes I wore makeup, but most of the time I didn't feel I needed it.

Now, I couldn't begin to tell you who I am. I don't work out, I haven't had a haircut in over a year, haven't dyed it in the same amount of time, my nails are long and unpainted because I don't have time, besides the baby would try to eat the paint, I don't even think I own makeup anymore, and there is no reason to dirty clothes if I'm not going anywhere, so I wear pajamas. My main priority is to keep the baby happy, and everything else can wait.

I am not saying this because I am unhappy. I love my life, and I feel extremely lucky to be able to stay home. But, you don't realize how full your life is until you stop doing everything. (I will say, I stopped exercising because pregnancy was not kind to me. I got almost every crappy symptom, and for the first 4 months, I could barely move without pain and vomiting. Now, it's so hard to find time. See previous post for details!)

I am writing this post because I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I am not depressed, but I know this... nothingness?... can send people into a downward spiral. If even one person reads this post and decides to seek help, then it is worth it to me.

I am embracing the person I have become. It's hard sometimes, but you have to find joy in little things. When I clean, it makes me happy, because I am making an important contribution to the household. (It seems ridiculous, but I have always had a job. Without it, I sometimes feel like I am not helping enough.) When I can't clean, I know it's because I was bonding with my child. When I do something for myself (like read or crochet), I know it is to keep my mind healthy and clear. I try to take time to look at myself and see me as I am now, not comparing to who I was. 

Please, if you ever feel like you have lost yourself, try to find little things to be grateful and happy about. If you can't or ever feel like you are at the bottom of a pit, do not be afraid to GET HELP. Talking to someone does not make you weak or broken. It means you are strong enough to take control.

I am sorry if this post was a bunch of rambling nothingness, but I needed to get it out. Have a nice week!

My Own Personal Challenge

I suck at being organized.

I really do try. I have calendars, and lists, and all the stuff that is supposed to help you be prepared. I just suck at using them. I leave things for the last minute (my mother used to say I was a heavy procrastinator... I say it's ADD. Look up the symptoms for girls. Go ahead, I'll wait.) I just always find something else to do, and when I look up, 5 hours is gone. Yesterday, my baby woke up from her nap, and I swore it was around 4pm. All of a sudden, it's 6pm and the dishes are staring me down. Oops.

So, this year it is my intention to be more organized, and set specific goals to help benefit my family. I want to save money, be more productive, and be healthier. Here's the first few steps of my plan.

Save Money

1. Set up a budget. I have already done this at everydollar.com. It is incomplete, but it has a few of my bills as well as my savings account plugged into it. This site gives tips for how to budget, save, and prepare for the future.

2. Build up my savings account. This one is huge. I plan on putting at least $10 into savings each month. It may not seem like much, but as a person who had $1 in there for a year, it definitely adds up. Also, I WILL NOT WITHDRAW IT. We have a habit of transferring money out as soon as we put it in. So, I plan on breaking that habit. The longer I leave it in there and build it up, the more interest it will earn. (Capital One has a decent savings account with no minimum balance, and Bank Of America offers a "Keep The Change" program that rounds up your purchases and deposits it into your savings account from checking.)

3. Sign up for cash back sites. There are plenty of these around if you know where to look.

If you have kids, Upromise is great. You can not only start saving for your kids' college, but it will help you set up an account to use once your kid is ready to go.

Inbox Dollars gives you a ridiculous amount of ways to earn money. You do tasks and once you hit $35, you can cash out for a gift card or check. Also, they link to the Game Show Network site as well as Bing, which gives you even more ways to earn money.

Then, there's Ebates, which gives you cash back to shop. You just have to go to their site and find the store you want to shop at.

Be More Productive

1. Reread Push. This may seem like more procrastinating, but it's actually a really crucial step. Push is set up as a step by step guide to aid productivity and allow you to reach your goals.

2. Download a task app. I already have a to-do list on my phone, as well as a calendar. However, I don't look at either of these. So, I am experimenting with a few different apps on my phone to streamline the process.

3. Make a daily list and stick to it. Every night before I go to sleep, I will make a list of the things I want to get done the next day, and I will make sure it is all done before 6pm. To take it a step farther, I will set alerts to remind me throughout the day that certain things need to be done.

Be Healthier

1. Make sure to eat breakfast every day. I constantly forget to do this! I wake up at 7:30am, and before I know it, it's noon and I still haven't eaten. Even if it's a shake, at least I am getting some nutrients.

2. Work out at least 3 days a week... to start. It is pretty hard to find time to work out unless it is 10pm. At that point I just don't want to do it. So, I am going to ease back into it. I will even add it to my planner so I don't forget.

3. Drink more water. So far this year I am doing good with this. I used to drink soda the majority of the time. Now I have soda maybe once a week at most. When I want flavor I make iced tea, or sometimes have juice. Eventually I hope to get my snacks on track as well.

Hopefully this year goes well and I can update you in a few months with my progress! What are your goals for this year? Comment below!