Covid and Writer's Block

 I literally can only sit home right now. So I decided to pick up where I left off on my story: The Hill House Continuation (I swear I'll find the title one day lol}

However, where I left off was IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE!! Woman, why?? I don't remember where I was going, nor do I really remember how I got to where I am. I don't believe in outlining or planning, but I know I had a point to that paragraph and where did it go nope gone.

I really want to finish this "book" (I'm hoping it'll be long enough) so that I can say I did, and maybe publish it. But right now I sit here staring at a screen and picturing that giant wood block from Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium. Effffffff.

What Could Have Been... All The Feelings

 What would have happened had you not left me behind?

Would we have a great romance?

Would you use me up and discard me?

Would we have never ventured past friends?

Did you feel for me the way I felt for you?

Or was I still just your annoying "kid sister"?

Did I ever cross your mind randomly?

Or was it shocking when we talked?

Why didn't you stay home?

Why didn't you wait for me?

HOW DARE YOU?!

I'm still broken.

WTF

I'm really upset that I will never read your texts again.

Or call your phone.

Or anything.

It's all in my head, in my dreams.

Until we meet again, darling.

I will think of what could have been.

Today Is A Day I Cry... and the story that has never been told.

 8 years ago, I lost a great person. But he is with me every day.

8 years ago, I felt such pain at losing this person, this constant pain in my ass. I don't know that anyone knew how much I loved this kid, myself included. 

I remember the first time I saw him. I was waiting for the bus to NYSP (sports camp, a place I really did not belong lol) and this idiot pops his head out the front door SCREAMING about running late. From that moment, he annoyed the crap out of me. I know that I didn't really interact with him much during camp (they split the sexes up), but I vaguely recall a dance where we circled each other.

Flash forward a year, and we moved into the apartment next to him. We shared a wall for about 4 (I think?) years. During that time, we became almost like siblings... i.e. we made each other's lives hell lol. We'd fight constantly, I caught him stealing his mom's truck, we'd bang on the walls at each other, and play music to annoy the other. But, there were times, so few, that we would sit on the porch and just chill. 

I remember that one of my friends had a crush on him, and did... questionable things. Then, when she asked me why he blew her off, I said he's a damn asshole. (Reality, we were freaking 16. He's a teen boy, of course he wasn't interested) I learned way too much about him that day, and it took a while to look at him the same. 

Over the years, we both moved and grew. Somehow we reconnected as friends. We never hung out, but did talk a lot, or at least I felt we did considering how we started out. He went down quite a few wrong paths, and struggled to pull himself out. He had just gotten out of jail (in there to get clean I believe) and he messaged me. We were trying to find a time to meet up, and I missed the last message... The next day he was in a medically induced coma with swelling on the brain. From what I gather, he went out with some "friends" to a bad place to do bad things, and got jumped. They left him for dead, and a few days later, he was.

While he was in the coma, I saw him EVERYWHERE. I could hear him talking to me. I wish I had gone to see him, I told myself I could tomorrow.... tomorrow never came for him. I heard him scream my name in my head, and knew he was gone before I even checked Facebook. 

Now, the aftermath... I stopped seeing him everywhere, but I could FEEL him. And, to this day, I still do. Not always, but if I call out, I feel this heavy pressure on my shoulders, and there he is. 

During the funeral, twice, he spoke. Once through someone to me, and once through me to his mother. After everything was said and done, I went to his grave, and said goodbye. Or so I thought.

I was determined to ignore all the signs, until my daughter started screaming from her room a few days later. Lights flickering, stuff falling, the works. I calmed her down, acknowledged my friend's existence, and it all stopped. We have been connected since his death. Sometimes he is other places, but he always comes back. 

My daughter has seen him quite a few times, even though she had never met him. Usually when she is about to do something dangerous. Also, when in her mind house (see previous entry) he is there to help her. He is truly her guardian angel. Also, weird fact, her grandfather is buried about 5 yards from him. Anytime we visit that grave, she is pulled to my friend's.

I'm sure there are plenty of people that will tell me that this is all a coping mechanism, or just coincidence. Even if it is, I embrace it, as this is all I have left of him. I do not regret where my life is, but the "could have beens" would be so much worse if not for this small peace of comfort. 

Cleaning Your Mind House

So the post below blew up on Reddit. I posted it trying to help others in need, on a witchy subreddit. I was not expecting the overwhelming support it received. I got awards, tons of comments and upvotes, even a few direct messages thanking me for sharing because they were at their wit's end. I thought I would share it here as well, because if the more this is spread, the more people it can help. 

Original Post:

Maybe not quite witchy, but it helped myself and my daughter through some hard times, so thought I would share a meditation/visualization technique. She was especially struggling with a lot of very dark stuff, and this helped. Maybe it could help someone else as well.

Cleaning Your Mind House

Get in a comfortable position, and then focus inward. Visualize you are walking toward a house. This is your mind house. Pay attention to what you see, inside and out. DO NOT FOCUS ON ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF YOUR FENCE. Open your gate, notice what it looks like, if it is strong or weak, if it has sharp edges, etc. As you walk up to your house, notice what it looks like on the outside. (Mine was white picket fence, and nice porch, pretty windows, paint job, etc. I am a people pleaser that will pretend I am happy and fine) Now is the hard part: open the door and go in.

Not everyone goes through the front door at all times. As you continue working, things will change, inside and out. Note how you got in, as well as what you are seeing/feeling. My first time was sludgy and dark. Your goal is to go from room to room, and clean. Sometimes you will find people: take notice of who they are, how they make you feel. If you are afraid of them or feel they need to not be in your life, kick them out of your house. If the room they were in was dedicated to them, redecorate it.

You may find people come and go on their own, or help you with your work. You may also find that a room you have cleaned previously is disheveled when you come back. You just have to keep going. For instance: the kitchen-my daughter saw 2 people in the kitchen, and she described them as 2 people she had never met, but I had. They helped her clean, and held her hand when she was afraid to move forward. The next time she went in, glass was broken, and one was hurt (from someone deeper in the house). She cleaned up, and the next time they said goodbye and she saw them in the house next door. So still there, but in the distance.

There will also be doors that cannot open until you face something else. Everyone's house is different: it is essentially you, your life, your trauma and triumphs, fears and loves. You embrace what serves you, and renovate the rest.

20 Years...

 Where were you when the world changed?

20 years ago today, a horrible act of terrorism occurred. While there are major debates on who caused it, whether it was foreign or domestic, everyone can agree on that fact: it was terrorism. 2,977 lives were lost, and so many more have been lost since, due to this day in the past. Three buildings were hit, with one more targeted, which would have caused more casualties. The days that followed were full of fear, but also of humanity. From that point forward, nothing was the same.

I remember where I was. I was a freshman in high school, and had just walked in to English. My teacher, like so many others, told us that something terrible had happened, and we would not be doing a lesson. We all sat down, and watched the towers fall, on repeat. One of my friends was panicked... his uncle worked in one of the towers. This was before cell phones were prevalent, so we had no way of knowing if he went to work that day. I do not recall if I was ever told. 

I remember saying that everything would be fine, it was okay. But it wasn't. Only 18 people were found alive, and cleanup of the site took 9 months.  We went to war, and heard the phrase "weapons of mass destruction" more times that I can count. This event is now in history books, and we lived through it. 

I will say, something special also happened in the days that followed. Humanity became more compassionate in the aftermath, even for a small period of time. People supported each other, in numerous ways. Donating, volunteering, even listening to each other. One notable occurrence: Steve Bushemi, a former firefighter, went to assist at ground zero. A moment of silence was observed everywhere in the country. And everyone held their breath, hoping for miracles.

To this day, we are still getting new information, from people, and videos that have never been seen. We also have a new generation speaking out on the aftermath: the people who were born on that fateful day. Their whole lives, they have known something was unique about them, and now, at 20 years old, they are speaking about how it felt.

For me, it is hard to remember a time before this. I have memories, but in them, there was no before and after: it was always this way. I think because I was at such a formative age, it skewed the narrative in my head. I had never seen the towers in person, and I do not know the difference if they show it now in movies. In my mind, the before skyline and the after skyline are two separate places. It's better that way... I would break down trying to reconcile the two. 

I do plan on visiting the memorials one day; not just of the towers, but of Flight 93 in Shanksville, where the passengers fought back against the hijackers. The plan seemed to be to crash into either the White House or the Capitol building. However, they were forced to crash in Pennsylvania, due to this huge act of bravery. They lost their lives, but in turn, saved countless others.

Life goes on, but we never forget the actions of this day, and the ones that followed. It affected us all so deeply, that we will never fully heal.

Body Shaming and the Aftershock **TW: eating disorders and rude comments**

 I have been body shamed since I was 8. My family thought it was so funny to make comments about how I must be anorexic, or throwing up after meals. 

I WAS EIGHT.

I spent all of my teen years struggling to gain weight. I even sat down with my Nutrition teacher in Freshman year to ask her, how do I gain weight?? She recommended Ensure Plus, which, while not adding many pounds, made it so that I didn't lose any more. It was insanely hard, because I also walked a mile to and from school every day, and had a fast as heck metabolism.

When I got pregnant with my first child, I was 104 pounds. At the end I was 118, and looked like a tick. I ate everything I could, and still my baby took the weight from my arms and legs. My doctors pushed me to eat more, anything I wanted, just gain the weight!! Two days after giving birth, I weighed myself... 98 pounds. My pre-pregnancy clothes were hanging off of me. It took a while to get back to 104. 

Twenty years after I first heard the word "anorexic", I heard the reverse. I had been working out throughout my 20's, and was in great shape, and weighed 125. I was happy. Then, I got pregnant with my second child, and it all changed. I gained around 40 pounds with her, and heard about it daily. I also had gestational diabetes, was put on a restrictive diet, and was sick constantly. Somehow, when she came out, I barely lost anything. Rude child to the core: take it back kid!

I was a stay at home mom for 2 years, in which time I changed into stick figure with boobs. To this day, I still think I am struggling to lose weight because all of it is in my chest. When I went back to work, I packed on the pounds, and I am now sitting in the 160 range. No matter what I do, I cannot get past that weight. I eat better, exercise, stand/walk more. Nothing works. For 4 years I have tried.

Meanwhile I hear that I'm fat... boyfriends, doctors, workers. And some days, I really see it, and hate myself. I know I did nothing wrong. Bodies change. But in my mind I need to be thinner. Not too thin, because then I'll hear the other side of it again. 

BUT.

I have kids now. Kids who look to me, who take in all that I say and do. And it molds them.

I cried when my (then) 7 year old daughter, the spitting image of me, came home and started only eating salads, and weighing herself 4 times a day. Because she was told that was healthy, and that being thinner was good. She has been body shamed and told to be modest (ie cover every inch of skin) from that moment. I try so hard to teach her that there is nothing wrong with her, but it still lives with her, in the form of anorexia. I fight to get her to eat even 3 bites of food at meals sometimes. And every time it seems like we make progress, someone says something and away we go again.

I pray my youngest never has to deal with this. She is so self assured, but that can change in an instant. I have always tried to be body-positive in front of my children, even when I am struggling. I do not hide my body from them, and in turn they each have some semblance of that as well. I try to teach the benefits of food and water and taking care of your body, but sometimes that falls on deaf ears.

The other day, I showed my boyfriend this super-cute crop top, and told him I could NEVER wear that. He asked why not, and my first response was, because I'm too fat, and my boobs are too big, and no one wants to see that. But, he does. My kids do. And, deep inside I do too.

I'm going to wear the fun stuff. I'm going to enjoy myself. In spite of everyone who tells me I can't. 

Having Fun: A New Blog!

 Hi guys! I am so excited to share that I have created a new blog! It may sound super dumb, but I am in love with this idea, and am having so much fun creating it!

So, the set-up: The blog is written in the words of my Sim. I play Sims 4, and I thought it would be fun to document gameplay in the sim's experiences. So, I created a new character, and moved her into her own home, and off we went!

First of all, I do not have all of the packs and DLC yet. I will slowly be working on getting some of the main ones, but for right now, I have base game, Strangerville, and Cottage Living, along with Seasons. That gives me a decent amount of stuff to do with her for the time being. I did turn off aging as well, so that I have more time to play around with her!

If this sounds interesting to you, please go check it out here and make sure to subscribe!

I am in shock. Trigger Warning: discussion of rape and abuse

 I literally just came to a realization... and I am in shock.

I spend a lot of time on Reddit, and give a lot of advice. Recently, I was talking to someone who is trying to tell their father that his friend raped and abused her, numerous times. As I'm replying, telling them about "Spilled Milk" (an amazing book by a SURVIVOR) I realized something.

I have claimed since I was in high school that I was raped. There's no denying it, even the other person involved knows it was, and we came to terms with that together. It was an experience that changed both of us and made us more aware, or so I thought. 

For a decent chunk of my adult life, I was in abusive relationships. I know that, not a surprise there. But as I'm giving advice and talking to people about their experiences, I got hit with a brick wall. 

All those times I said NO and was bullied or forced into sexual situations. That's RAPE. All the times I made it clear that I did not want sex, but was scared of being physically hurt. That's rape. All the times I was told it was my wifely duty, and I pulled away, said no, and it happened anyway. That's rape.

It got to the point where I didn't trust these people, I needed to drink to be relaxed enough to enjoy sex. If I don't trust someone, the attraction is gone, my body seizes up. For years I didn't understand why, and now I know. 

I am a victim. There are so many things about my personality, and my interactions, that stem from this. I wondered why I am not as confident as I used to be in high school. Now I get it. I had fully owned my experiences back then. But, I had shoved all of this trauma down, hid it behind things, and pasted on a smile. Especially for the sake of my children. 

I can't anymore. Now that I see these things for what they really are, I can work to heal myself, and become my truest self. I am in a great relationship with the most understanding loving human ever. I have a great support team in friends and family. I need to find myself somewhere in all this pain, and drag her out for the world to see. 

It's time to repair myself.

Ornithoscelidaphobia: why me????

So I have Ornithoscelidaphobia.

What the heck is that, you say?

It's a damn fear of dinosaurs. Yup. Dinosaurs. 

Yes, I do know this is illogical. Dinosaurs don't exist. And I enjoy the Jurassic Park movies, so what gives?

When I was in elementary school, We went to the Academy of Natural Sciences. (Side note: I have kids now and still avoid this place) While walking around, we came upon the T-Rex skeleton. I looked up, and up, and up at this massive creature, and swore I saw its jaw quiver. Not like it was going to eat me, like it was going to fall. Nope, I ran all the way back to the tiny dinos, where nothing would squish me. 

I have noticed that I can stand T-Rexs if they are face level with me (went to Dinofest years ago, not an issue). But if I am suddenly shocked by one (like the time I went to a haunted farm and the hayride had a Lost World section), nope, I turn into a ball of tears. Panic mode ensues, and I am done. 

I even recall going to Franklin Institute the year after, and seeing dinosaur stickers on the walls, and freaking out (I calmed down once I was assured there were none). 

Any day trips I plan with the kids, if there are dinosaurs on the website, it's a no-go. I am trying to get back to the Academy now, but I'm still terrified. Even the aquarium, which had something hanging from the ceiling, I had to shut my eyes and be led under it. Face level, fine.

(I also have a fear of heights and buildings more than 3 stories tall, probably for the same reason.)

Side note, I do have a healthy fear of stuff falling on me, like the piano at Ripley's Believe It or Not. So maybe that is why?

If you want to see my Tiktok rant about this topic, click here!

Maniology Affiliate Announcement!

 

Good morning!

I just found out that I was made a Brand Ambassador for Maniology!!! Anyone who knows me knows I love painting my nails (they are literally never bare). It is the one way I am able to show my creativity, and stamping is great for intricate designs. Below are some of my previous creations, unfortunately I was unable to find any of the ones I did with the stamping kits.

I just ordered some of the new stamping plates, as well as some duochrome polishes, so I am super excited to play with them.

Now for why I am posting this at all: I have an affiliate code!!!! (Super excited, my first ever discount code!) You can get 10% off of your total purchase with my code TRISHCRUSE10, so I highly recommend checking it out!

**Disclosure: I do get a commission for any sales, but I do also stand behind the products.**

Review: Real Meal: Meal Replacement Powder

 Disclaimer: This is my honest opinion. I am not sponsored, nor am I a Beachbody coach. If this product is your favorite ever, I am sorry, but it does not work for me.

I purchased the Real Meal Powder from Pure Food after reading reviews only about the benefits, the price, and how it was comparable to Shakeology.

I was excited to try this, because it was a decent price... I did not look into that enough. I read that the flavor is really good, it is filling, quells cravings.... 

I found none of this. 

• PRICE: After I received it and went to make it, I found that a serving is two LARGE scoops per 10 oz liquid. This means you get 10 servings per container. When you do the math, it is around the same price as Shakeology, just broken into smaller payments.

• FLAVOR: I don't care how healthy something is, if it doesn't taste good I will not ingest it. I manage to drink half of my shake on the days that I make it, and most days don't even bother because it does nothing for me. I have mixed it with water and milk, tried adding flavorings, but it isn't worth it to me. 

• FILLING/CRAVINGS: This does absolutely nothing for me. I get no energy from this, my cravings are still there, I am still hungry. I actually suffer trying to finish drinking this. Mixing it with milk and some coffee powder helps a tiny bit, but not enough for me to repurchase. Especially since most days I walk right by it and grab a snack instead.

I have also found something else, and I tested this a few times to see if it was a fluke: It does not mix properly. the powder settles to the bottom of my BlenderBottle within a few minutes, no matter how much I shake it. So every time I take a sip, I have to shake it up again. That is a lot of work and annoying for someone who has sensory overload issues.

I will definitely be repurchasing Shakeology once I am finally done this. Here is why:

• While it has a large price tag, it is for a month supply.
• Six flavors (compared to two), both in Whey and Vegan formulas
• Tastes amazing, extremely versatile
• When I used to drink this, I craved THIS. I was excited to have it every morning, and I was always finding new recipes to liven up the flavor
• Mixes easily, stays mixed
• Boosts energy naturally (this helped me kick soda the first time)
• Offers combo packs, samplers, and numerous auto-ship options (can be purchased in a bag or single serve packets)

Not gonna lie, I have literally nothing bad to say about Shakeology, or Beachbody in general. I still use the workout programs. I trust their products. I remember trying other shakes while I was still a coach, and I disliked all of them compared to this. 

Final point: I'd rather pay a little more for something I know works for me, than something that I am so frustrated with that I don't even want to be bothered most days.

Doing The Damn Thing

 I am writing a book... I think.

I desperately wanted a sequel to Haunting Of Hill House. There are, however, zero plans of one being made. So I am doing it myself. As well as a prequel (after I finish the first book) fleshing out the ghosts and who they were in life. 

The reason I say "I think" is because I have no clue how long this will be, and where it is going. It could be utter trash by the time it is complete. But, I am not doing it for anyone else. I am doing it to satisfy a need I have. Whether I share it or not remains to be seen.

I steadily chip away at the first draft, writing a little more each day.  I am also editing my friend's book, working full time, and raising a family. So, who knows how long this will take, or if it will ever reach a conclusion. To be honest, I could probably stretch the story for many generations. 

I doubt I'll do that. I think one more should tie up the story well enough. I am excited to see where it goes...

Prologue

The elderly man sits in the living room of a quiet house, looking out the window. He looks tired, and his thoughts seem to be someplace else. He gazes outside as the sun sets on the sprawling property. As night slowly covers the grounds, his eyelids droop. When he opens them, his wife and daughters are on the couch across from him. She smiles as she stands and holds out her hand. “Come, Horace. It’s time to rest.” The young man stands up and walks upstairs with his family, toward a room with a red door. He can hear others moving around, saying hello to him, welcoming him. He is home.

Setting my intention

 I will lose weight. 

My goal is to be 130 pounds. That is a weight loss of 40 pounds. I will do it, or at the very least, make it to 140.

I bought a protein shake (supposedly better than Shakeology, we shall see). I got new weights (tried cardio and yoga and cannot keep myself motivated). I already have a water bottle, I am doing great with that. 

I will get my ass in gear, and workout daily. Even if it's a small amount. Yesterday I did 2 sets of 10 reps, for about 7 moves. I felt that I should do more, but I don't want to hurt myself and not be able to continue. 

I will eat better. I will not snack incessantly, and I will be more aware of what I am eating.

I will research and implement new weight lifting exercises. Yesterday I was only able to purchase a set of 5 lb weights, which is fine. Eventually I would like to get a kettlebell, and maybe a set of 10 lb weights. I also need to use my resistance bands more.

I will love my body, in all of its stages. This is such a struggle for me. Honestly, it has been since I was 22. I always found reasons to hate my body. Now it's worse being I'm considered obese. But I will not let that happen anymore. Below is a time when I was "thin" and happy, and also a time when I was "fat" and happy. I will love my body no matter what.

2013ish

a few weeks ago

        

I'm annoyed and venting

 I am trying to move. I do not need judgement on the location... yet I get it. This is me saying all the crap I cannot say aloud.

Okay, not a perfect neighborhood. However I live in a broken down crawlspace of an apartment. It would be great to have a full house with a fenced in backyard. So what if the street is narrow? I live in a cesspool of a town. Three streets over is still gonna be the same crime rate. I'm grateful to not live on the busy street with a rowdy upstairs neighbor anymore.

My neighbor wants to sell her house to us... but who knows when she will be ready to do so. I need to get my older daughter registered for the next school year. I need more space. I can't live in this broken down apartment anymore. This damn house is good enough. It's not forever. And it's none of your damn business where I move as you have put me and my family in so many fucked up situations.

You aren't the one waking up at 5am to someone slamming a riding mower into your bedroom wall. You aren't the one dealing with screaming dogs, and loud annoying people, and things breaking down. You aren't the one that has zero extra space in their bedroom, and not having a yard for the kids to be in. You don't live on a noisy street.

Sorry that you dug me into a hole of debt so I cannot apply for loans. Sorry I don't run scams to make myself an asston of money. Sorry that I'm not trying to marry up, and I don't mooch off of others. I bought my own damn car. I'm paying off all my debts. I'm going to drag myself up, and provide a great life for my family. Don't forget where you came from, and how hard your family had to work. They weren't always in the position they are now. But somehow you seem to forget all that everyone has gone through, as you skate by. 

You just watch me, rising from the ashes of the life you handed me. You aren't in control. You can watch me succeed on my own. And eventually I will get the better house. Eventually I will use that house as a rental, and keep moving up and out. I will get my beautiful dream home some day, and you will just be the same as you always have been... because you know nothing about real life.

Cirkul Bottle Review

 

I am trying to be healthier. I cut out my soda intake, and want to drink more water. To help me do so, I ordered a Cirkul bottle and 6 starter flavors. I just got the bottle today, but I already have some thoughts.

Ordering Impressions: I ordered from this company because there was a discount on a bottle and 2-3 flavors. (Click here to get the deal!) Cool deal, very exciting. HOWEVER, a few things. You are forced to subscribe (you can cancel). Customer service is not responsive. I know this because: It took over a month to get my initial order. That is fine, I understand they are backed up. But, the subscription order was sent and arrived before the first order even shipped. I never got response from customer service other than a standard email saying there are delays. I am probably going to put my subscription on hold since I now have so many flavor cartridges.

On the plus side, they do have a variety of flavors and bottles. You can also choose what flavors you would like for your subscription, and it is easy to change how often you get your next package.

First Impressions of Product: After waiting so long for this bottle, I was unsure of how much I would enjoy it. So far, I am impressed. I opted for the raspberry lemonade flavor (sweetened with Stevia). It was easy to assemble. The cap stays attached, but has a clip to keep it tucked out of the way. The flavor strength is adjustable; I have it at 3, as 4 was too strong, but it goes up to 10, and you have the option to close the flavor and just drink the water. On setting #5, the flavor cartridge is supposed to last 4 bottle fill-ups, which equals about $.82 per drink. Also, the cartridges are recyclable (You may have to call your recycling center to be sure they will accept them).

I have noticed a clicking noise after I drink from it, almost like air is caught inside. But otherwise, it is great so far. I will update in a week or so, after I have tested it out more.

Quick Side Note: I just noticed that you get points depending on orders, how long you stay subscribed, etc. The points can be used on bottles AND flavors.

One Week Impressions: I really like this bottle. So far I have only used 2 of the flavor filters, but both were great. I do find myself drinking a lot more water. I have my settings at 3-4, I find anything higher is too strong for me. My current filter seems to have an airflow issue; it whistles and the nozzle overflows after drinking. Not a huge problem, just annoying. Also annoying, knowing when your flavor has run out. I thought my first one was done so I disassembled it, pulled the packet off, and there was so much left. Whoops. I also have flavors that I probably won't use, and You have to use the cartridges within 7-10 days after sipping from them as they can form mold. I think I am going to adjust my next order to include items without caffeine so that I can drink them without changing.

I'm just so tired

 I am sorry that I have not kept up with my blogging about.... well, anything.

I have to be completely transparent here. I am tired.

This week, I am sick. But, even before that, exhaustion has settled into my bones. I try so hard to keep up with life, and right now, again, it crushes me. I know I will come out of it fine. But for right now, I'm tired and can't seem to fully wake up.

Not just physically. Emotionally as well. I feel like every time I make progress, there is someone there to grab my arm and try to pull me backwards. I have so much heavy stuff in my heart right now, things that I don't know how to fix, things that terrify me. I have zero motivation to do pretty much anything, because I am so weighed down.

The road to recovering from trauma is rarely straight-forward.

I realized today that I am holding on to so much, from the recent past, but also the not-so-recent. I heard an announcement for a concert I have gone to so many times, but it filled me with dread and anxiety. The last time I went was the start of the worst period of my life. And while the person I went with and I have since forgiven each other, it seems I have not forgiven myself. I'm not ready to go back yet.

I feel like I am missing a chunk of who I once was. I am working hard to find myself again, even though I have no drive to do so. I feel it is imperative to my healing process to figure that out.

Please bear with me during this time, as I may not be as consistent as I should be.

Daydreaming On Paper Prompt: List Your Favorite Things

 I was actually going to skip this. But I realized that I have been neglecting myself, yet again, because I take a backseat to everything else in my life. So without further ado, a list of my favorite things!

• Lilacs: My childhood home was like a wilderness in my young eyes. I had a full garden, a giant crab-apple tree, a grape vine, and flowers everywhere. We even had a rose vine growing up the back of the house. But my favorite thing was the lilac bush out front. It was entwined with a honeysuckle bush, and was HUGE. It was the best scent and visual ever.
• Lemon: I love the flavor, the color, the scent. My dream kitchen is lemony colored. (It makes me hungry)
• Cats: I love all animals. I have a chinchilla/jerkface rodent that I adore. However, cats will forever be my favorite. My life feels incomplete without one in my home (We haven't had one in recent years as my ex is allergic).
• The Tenth Kingdom: This is my feel good mini-series. Anytime I am upset, this goes on. It is so dumb at points, but I love it.
• Hot wings: By far my favorite food. Luckily it is also my boyfriend's favorite, so we eat them often.
• Blue: I love the color blue. In any form.
• Eric Clapton: My favorite guitarist/vocalist of all time. Any song he does is like heaven to me.
• Nintendo 64: I am super mad at myself for selling my last one. This system has so many memories; The re-releases are nothing compared to the originals in my mind.
• Truly fairy-like areas: We went to see the fairy houses on South Mountain Trail last week. However, the area around it was my favorite. Trees, a babbling brook/waterfall type spot, filtered sunlight. I could have stayed there forever.

I am sure there are more, but these stand out to me.

I Made Myself Sick: A Lesson In Self Care

 I woke up yesterday, after barely any sleep, feeling like I had been run over by 3 Mack trucks. I went to work and realized there was no way I was going to be an asset to my office. They also knew that, and sent me home to rest. (Side note: My work actually cares about their people.) No clue how I made it home in one piece as I was exhausted. I slept for 7 hours straight, starting as soon as I got home, and then I slept through the night.

I went through a period of exhaustion a few weeks ago as well. However, I had nothing going on that day. I didn't know why I was so tired at that time, as I had a relaxing weekend. Now I know:

I have neglected myself.

I have been so worried about making sure my family was provided for and taken care of that YET AGAIN I have let myself suffer. Sure, I do superficial crap like buy myself a few cute trinkets, or play Animal Crossing. However, I have not been fully providing for myself. I stopped doing my daily tarot reading. I don't spend time outside every day. I am not making sure my nutrient levels are okay (I am iron deficient, and let me tell you, I can tell if it's too low).

I need to start holding myself accountable. Doing things to bring me joy, and health, and sticking with them.

Because if you don't care for yourself, who will?

Daydreaming on Paper prompt

 List ten things that you have lost or given away that you would like to have back again.

1.  My photo collection. I had a box full of photos, of my childhood, family, kids. I lost them when I had to decide between a storage unit and electricity.
2.  My acoustic guitar. Again, I lost this with the storage unit. My dad bought it for me when I was 16, and it was my stress comfort for a long time.
3.  My baby blanket. I am almost positive my mother got rid of this. I had packed it for an overnight trip to my friends house, and somehow it disappeared. Again, a source of comfort.
4.  My jade necklace. My aunt bought me this beautiful jade necklace, and I took it off to shower and when I came out it was gone. Again, I feel my mother had something to do with this, as I never saw it again.
5.  My surgery bear. When I was 5, I had my first surgery. My grandparents bought me a stuffed bear that lay on a pillow and played music. It was a source of comfort, not just for me, but my roommate in the hospital as well. My mother threw it away one of the many times she "cleaned" my room. 
6.  My engagement ring. This may seem dumb. But I bought this ring myself, and it signified a lot over the years. It got destroyed, much like I destroyed that relationship.
7.  My grandmother's items. I inherited a decent amount of Native American memorabilia when my grandmother died. Over the years, it has disappeared, or been destroyed accidentally in moves. I have a few pieces left, and I cling to their memories.
8.  My N64. Honestly, nothing compares to this system. The memories and nostalgia attached to it... (see also: Sega Genesis)
9.  My poetry book. Senior year of HS, I took Words, Music, and Poetry. Our final project was a book. I decorated mine with pictures, and poured so much into it. Some of my best work was in there.
10.  Honestly, I can't think of anything else. Everything that crosses my mind is superficial and can easily be replaced, aside from people and ideas. 

Take the Time

 I went on a vacation this weekend... sort of.

My boyfriend and I went to a hotel not too far from home. We sprung for a suite, with a hot tub. We brought dvds, and just spent a weekend enjoying our life together. We went to the zoo, ate out, and just spent time together as a couple. 

With both of us working, and the kids, it is hard to remember who we are as a couple. We steal little moments here and there, but our life revolves around the kids and making memories and providing security for them. This weekend was just about us. 

That sounds so selfish, but I have come to realize that couples need that. It is so easy to forget who you are together, aside from just parents and workers. We are a team, yes. But we also fell in love with an individual, and you should take time to reconnect.

It doesn't matter how you do it. We didn't go far, and we were still available if the kids needed us. But we made sure we were together, alone, and focused on each other the whole time. 

In the past, I haven't been the greatest mate. Mainly because I've never taken the time to fall in love with my significant other again. My sole focus was the kids, and my love life suffered constantly and repeatedly. I have found the person I want to spend forever with, and I am willing to put in the work.

When was the last time you were just... together?