I am sorry that I have not kept up with my blogging about.... well, anything.
I have to be completely transparent here. I am tired.
This week, I am sick. But, even before that, exhaustion has settled into my bones. I try so hard to keep up with life, and right now, again, it crushes me. I know I will come out of it fine. But for right now, I'm tired and can't seem to fully wake up.
Not just physically. Emotionally as well. I feel like every time I make progress, there is someone there to grab my arm and try to pull me backwards. I have so much heavy stuff in my heart right now, things that I don't know how to fix, things that terrify me. I have zero motivation to do pretty much anything, because I am so weighed down.
The road to recovering from trauma is rarely straight-forward.
I realized today that I am holding on to so much, from the recent past, but also the not-so-recent. I heard an announcement for a concert I have gone to so many times, but it filled me with dread and anxiety. The last time I went was the start of the worst period of my life. And while the person I went with and I have since forgiven each other, it seems I have not forgiven myself. I'm not ready to go back yet.
I feel like I am missing a chunk of who I once was. I am working hard to find myself again, even though I have no drive to do so. I feel it is imperative to my healing process to figure that out.
Please bear with me during this time, as I may not be as consistent as I should be.
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