Cleaning Your Mind House

So the post below blew up on Reddit. I posted it trying to help others in need, on a witchy subreddit. I was not expecting the overwhelming support it received. I got awards, tons of comments and upvotes, even a few direct messages thanking me for sharing because they were at their wit's end. I thought I would share it here as well, because if the more this is spread, the more people it can help. 

Original Post:

Maybe not quite witchy, but it helped myself and my daughter through some hard times, so thought I would share a meditation/visualization technique. She was especially struggling with a lot of very dark stuff, and this helped. Maybe it could help someone else as well.

Cleaning Your Mind House

Get in a comfortable position, and then focus inward. Visualize you are walking toward a house. This is your mind house. Pay attention to what you see, inside and out. DO NOT FOCUS ON ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF YOUR FENCE. Open your gate, notice what it looks like, if it is strong or weak, if it has sharp edges, etc. As you walk up to your house, notice what it looks like on the outside. (Mine was white picket fence, and nice porch, pretty windows, paint job, etc. I am a people pleaser that will pretend I am happy and fine) Now is the hard part: open the door and go in.

Not everyone goes through the front door at all times. As you continue working, things will change, inside and out. Note how you got in, as well as what you are seeing/feeling. My first time was sludgy and dark. Your goal is to go from room to room, and clean. Sometimes you will find people: take notice of who they are, how they make you feel. If you are afraid of them or feel they need to not be in your life, kick them out of your house. If the room they were in was dedicated to them, redecorate it.

You may find people come and go on their own, or help you with your work. You may also find that a room you have cleaned previously is disheveled when you come back. You just have to keep going. For instance: the kitchen-my daughter saw 2 people in the kitchen, and she described them as 2 people she had never met, but I had. They helped her clean, and held her hand when she was afraid to move forward. The next time she went in, glass was broken, and one was hurt (from someone deeper in the house). She cleaned up, and the next time they said goodbye and she saw them in the house next door. So still there, but in the distance.

There will also be doors that cannot open until you face something else. Everyone's house is different: it is essentially you, your life, your trauma and triumphs, fears and loves. You embrace what serves you, and renovate the rest.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Hopefully, this will be uplifting and not depressing. Here goes!

I am clinically depressed. I know this. I go through periods when I think I'm not because I feel better, but the downward spiral always comes. I am not on medication, but I have been before and eventually may have to try them again.

My journey was long and hard to get where I am today, and it is definitely not over. I have faced abandonment and abuse over the years, from various people. I find it hard to trust; adversely, I choose to trust everyone until they hurt me. Maybe not the best decision, but it is what fits my personality. I love everyone equally until they either screw me over or make me love them more. I choose to see the good in people... the only exception is myself.

Most days, I see myself through dark eyes. I feel ugly, and stupid, and generally not good enough. In my mind, it's like the battle of good and evil. I know none of these things are really true, but the devil inside screams really loud sometimes.

It is 1000% okay to feel this way. I want everyone to know this, and see it as fact. 

YOU AREN'T DAMAGED. 

I choose to look at it (when I'm actually ok) as me having a little extra crazy. I don't view craziness as a bad thing, because honestly, who wants to be normal? It's boring. 

I have gone to therapy, but every time, I hit a wall, usually when talking about one specific topic, and I can't progress any further. Or I get worse. So I stop going. I will say I fully recommend trying therapy if you haven't, but you have to really work at it. I put everything I had into my sessions, and eventually it stopped helping, but that's ok, too.

I learned coping techniques. They are different for everyone, but the main idea is to find something you love, that gets you out of your head. For me, that changes daily. Some days I like to read, others I hula hoop, or dance, and others I write. The point is to lose yourself in something other than your own head.

Don't be afraid to talk to someone about your problems. PLEASE. Especially if you have suicidal thoughts. There are hotlines with people just waiting to help you. Use them. One thing I don't recommend is to post to social media, because someone will always say something stupid and make you feel worse. 

Last tip: don't be alone. I know sometimes that is all you want to do, but don't. Get out, go do something social. This can be hard, I know, because I have social anxiety. (I wasn't always like that, I used to be very outgoing, but it developed while I was a stay at home mom and still hasn't gone away fully.) Awkward thought: my mind goes straight to bowling. If you are alone it really isn't that social, but that was my night life growing up. My dad was on a team, so I was there every weekend, and made tons of friends, some of whom I still talk to. 

In closing, don't beat yourself up too bad. You aren't the only one going through this, you aren't alone. All you have to do is reach out.

Losing Myself

Truth time.

Sometimes I look at myself and don't see myself. I see "mom" or "wife", but not myself.

It is so easy to lose sense of who you are once you stop doing everything that defines you. Think about it: Who are you? How do you define yourself? I bet you one of the first three things is your job. Then comes what you look like, what your values are, etc. But what happens when it's all gone?

I became a stay-at-home mom when I got pregnant. Before that, I could tell you exactly who I was: a senior sales rep and driver for Autozone. I wore jeans most of the time, and dyed my hair and cut it when I was stressed. My nails tended to be short and painted random colors. I worked out at least 3 times a week, and even if I didn't, I walked so much and lifted so many heavy parts that it counted as exercise. Sometimes I wore makeup, but most of the time I didn't feel I needed it.

Now, I couldn't begin to tell you who I am. I don't work out, I haven't had a haircut in over a year, haven't dyed it in the same amount of time, my nails are long and unpainted because I don't have time, besides the baby would try to eat the paint, I don't even think I own makeup anymore, and there is no reason to dirty clothes if I'm not going anywhere, so I wear pajamas. My main priority is to keep the baby happy, and everything else can wait.

I am not saying this because I am unhappy. I love my life, and I feel extremely lucky to be able to stay home. But, you don't realize how full your life is until you stop doing everything. (I will say, I stopped exercising because pregnancy was not kind to me. I got almost every crappy symptom, and for the first 4 months, I could barely move without pain and vomiting. Now, it's so hard to find time. See previous post for details!)

I am writing this post because I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I am not depressed, but I know this... nothingness?... can send people into a downward spiral. If even one person reads this post and decides to seek help, then it is worth it to me.

I am embracing the person I have become. It's hard sometimes, but you have to find joy in little things. When I clean, it makes me happy, because I am making an important contribution to the household. (It seems ridiculous, but I have always had a job. Without it, I sometimes feel like I am not helping enough.) When I can't clean, I know it's because I was bonding with my child. When I do something for myself (like read or crochet), I know it is to keep my mind healthy and clear. I try to take time to look at myself and see me as I am now, not comparing to who I was. 

Please, if you ever feel like you have lost yourself, try to find little things to be grateful and happy about. If you can't or ever feel like you are at the bottom of a pit, do not be afraid to GET HELP. Talking to someone does not make you weak or broken. It means you are strong enough to take control.

I am sorry if this post was a bunch of rambling nothingness, but I needed to get it out. Have a nice week!