Losing Myself

Truth time.

Sometimes I look at myself and don't see myself. I see "mom" or "wife", but not myself.

It is so easy to lose sense of who you are once you stop doing everything that defines you. Think about it: Who are you? How do you define yourself? I bet you one of the first three things is your job. Then comes what you look like, what your values are, etc. But what happens when it's all gone?

I became a stay-at-home mom when I got pregnant. Before that, I could tell you exactly who I was: a senior sales rep and driver for Autozone. I wore jeans most of the time, and dyed my hair and cut it when I was stressed. My nails tended to be short and painted random colors. I worked out at least 3 times a week, and even if I didn't, I walked so much and lifted so many heavy parts that it counted as exercise. Sometimes I wore makeup, but most of the time I didn't feel I needed it.

Now, I couldn't begin to tell you who I am. I don't work out, I haven't had a haircut in over a year, haven't dyed it in the same amount of time, my nails are long and unpainted because I don't have time, besides the baby would try to eat the paint, I don't even think I own makeup anymore, and there is no reason to dirty clothes if I'm not going anywhere, so I wear pajamas. My main priority is to keep the baby happy, and everything else can wait.

I am not saying this because I am unhappy. I love my life, and I feel extremely lucky to be able to stay home. But, you don't realize how full your life is until you stop doing everything. (I will say, I stopped exercising because pregnancy was not kind to me. I got almost every crappy symptom, and for the first 4 months, I could barely move without pain and vomiting. Now, it's so hard to find time. See previous post for details!)

I am writing this post because I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I am not depressed, but I know this... nothingness?... can send people into a downward spiral. If even one person reads this post and decides to seek help, then it is worth it to me.

I am embracing the person I have become. It's hard sometimes, but you have to find joy in little things. When I clean, it makes me happy, because I am making an important contribution to the household. (It seems ridiculous, but I have always had a job. Without it, I sometimes feel like I am not helping enough.) When I can't clean, I know it's because I was bonding with my child. When I do something for myself (like read or crochet), I know it is to keep my mind healthy and clear. I try to take time to look at myself and see me as I am now, not comparing to who I was. 

Please, if you ever feel like you have lost yourself, try to find little things to be grateful and happy about. If you can't or ever feel like you are at the bottom of a pit, do not be afraid to GET HELP. Talking to someone does not make you weak or broken. It means you are strong enough to take control.

I am sorry if this post was a bunch of rambling nothingness, but I needed to get it out. Have a nice week!

My Own Personal Challenge

I suck at being organized.

I really do try. I have calendars, and lists, and all the stuff that is supposed to help you be prepared. I just suck at using them. I leave things for the last minute (my mother used to say I was a heavy procrastinator... I say it's ADD. Look up the symptoms for girls. Go ahead, I'll wait.) I just always find something else to do, and when I look up, 5 hours is gone. Yesterday, my baby woke up from her nap, and I swore it was around 4pm. All of a sudden, it's 6pm and the dishes are staring me down. Oops.

So, this year it is my intention to be more organized, and set specific goals to help benefit my family. I want to save money, be more productive, and be healthier. Here's the first few steps of my plan.

Save Money

1. Set up a budget. I have already done this at everydollar.com. It is incomplete, but it has a few of my bills as well as my savings account plugged into it. This site gives tips for how to budget, save, and prepare for the future.

2. Build up my savings account. This one is huge. I plan on putting at least $10 into savings each month. It may not seem like much, but as a person who had $1 in there for a year, it definitely adds up. Also, I WILL NOT WITHDRAW IT. We have a habit of transferring money out as soon as we put it in. So, I plan on breaking that habit. The longer I leave it in there and build it up, the more interest it will earn. (Capital One has a decent savings account with no minimum balance, and Bank Of America offers a "Keep The Change" program that rounds up your purchases and deposits it into your savings account from checking.)

3. Sign up for cash back sites. There are plenty of these around if you know where to look.

If you have kids, Upromise is great. You can not only start saving for your kids' college, but it will help you set up an account to use once your kid is ready to go.

Inbox Dollars gives you a ridiculous amount of ways to earn money. You do tasks and once you hit $35, you can cash out for a gift card or check. Also, they link to the Game Show Network site as well as Bing, which gives you even more ways to earn money.

Then, there's Ebates, which gives you cash back to shop. You just have to go to their site and find the store you want to shop at.

Be More Productive

1. Reread Push. This may seem like more procrastinating, but it's actually a really crucial step. Push is set up as a step by step guide to aid productivity and allow you to reach your goals.

2. Download a task app. I already have a to-do list on my phone, as well as a calendar. However, I don't look at either of these. So, I am experimenting with a few different apps on my phone to streamline the process.

3. Make a daily list and stick to it. Every night before I go to sleep, I will make a list of the things I want to get done the next day, and I will make sure it is all done before 6pm. To take it a step farther, I will set alerts to remind me throughout the day that certain things need to be done.

Be Healthier

1. Make sure to eat breakfast every day. I constantly forget to do this! I wake up at 7:30am, and before I know it, it's noon and I still haven't eaten. Even if it's a shake, at least I am getting some nutrients.

2. Work out at least 3 days a week... to start. It is pretty hard to find time to work out unless it is 10pm. At that point I just don't want to do it. So, I am going to ease back into it. I will even add it to my planner so I don't forget.

3. Drink more water. So far this year I am doing good with this. I used to drink soda the majority of the time. Now I have soda maybe once a week at most. When I want flavor I make iced tea, or sometimes have juice. Eventually I hope to get my snacks on track as well.

Hopefully this year goes well and I can update you in a few months with my progress! What are your goals for this year? Comment below!

Chasing Chase

Every year around this time, I start thinking about the past and all the little things that led me to where I am today. One of those things is Chase.

Chase was born shortly after midnight on January 1st, 2009. Even though I wasn't there for it, I stayed awake and knew as soon as he was born. It's sad that I remember this, since I only met him once when he was a few months old.

So why do I remember his birth? It's because his birthday was at a pivotal moment in my life. A few weeks before, I had told my husband I wanted a divorce. I had my "dream job" (or at least the job I had been training for my whole life). I was asserting some form of independence for the first time in my adult life. Sad since I was 23.

I feel like everything after Chase's birthdate was a new life for me. Since then, I got into a motorcycle accident, been in numerous relationships, had a few jobs, went to college, had a baby, met new people, and lost a few people, too.

I look back on this time and realize how much my life has changed. I look different, think different, act different. And since I am a nostalgic person, I look back and miss all the incarnations of myself. I also miss the person I thought I would become. I thought I would be married once, never divorced, have 3 kids, live in a nice house in the country, be a hip stay at home mom, and maybe have an animal rescue. Wow, dream big, right? Reality: I am divorced, engaged, mother of 2, live in an apartment in a not-so-nice town, and even though I am a stay at home mom, I am far from hip. (To be fair, I definitely had a hip phase, but it's way too much work right now.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had for anything. It all led me to this point, where I have an amazing family and I've grown into myself as a pretty cool person. (Trust me, I'm awesome.) But, every year, I will most likely think of my past, and the moment I started chasing Chase.

Life Is Short

 

 

I have all the time in the world... yet I don't.

 

 

Confused? I'll explain.

I am a stay at home mom. My days are filled with diapers, feedings, and cleaning. While it is a lot of work, it also leaves me with tons of free time.

However, as morbid as it sounds, we all have a shelf life. Eventually, we all go into that good night, whether it be gently or raving like a lunatic. (If you don't understand the reference, the poem is included at the end of this post.) And when you have so much time on your hands, you sometimes think about the end of it all.

I watch a decent amount of television. While most of it is children's shows, sometimes I get into a show or movie that makes me ponder the unknown. Today was a mixture of the movie Interstellar and the old show Beverly Hills 90210. Weird combo, right? Interstellar is a movie about the possible extinction of the human race (definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it, BTW), so it's obvious why I think about the end of time after viewing. 90210 seems random, but I have reached the college years, where there is death, drugs, AIDS, and all sorts of other heavy stuff.

When you think of mortality, especially your own, you look back on your life and tend to dwell on mistakes and things you HAVE NOT DONE. That is a normal process. I think about all the horrible things I have done, even though I try so hard to be a good person. I think about how things would be different if I had made even one choice instead of another.

This is crap, and torture. You can't change the past, only the future. What's more, life is too short to beat yourself up about your regrets. You learn from the past, you don't let it root you.

Life is too short to do any of the following: let someone else control you, dwell so much about the "what ifs" that you become frozen, get stuck in a job you hate, or not follow your passions. Life is too short to stop learning. I'll reiterate this point: NEVER stop learning. Life is too short to not believe in yourself, or to let others bring you down.

One fact that reminds me that life is short: I graduated high school in 2005. Within that small window of time, my daughter turned 10. I got married and divorced. I had another baby. And at least 5 people from my class are dead. In 2009, I was in a motorcycle accident; luckily I was not hurt. Two days later, my friend died in a motorcycle accident on the same road I was on. Two people died due to violent attacks, two from illness.

You don't know what's going to happen from one moment to the next. Try to spend your life living in the moment as much as you can.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

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Worth It Wednesday/ Thanksgiving Gift

As I write this, I am playing with my baby and watching the Dawson's Creek series finale. And it made me realize that today's post needs to be special. Worth It Wednesday for the past few weeks has been about gifts and giving that you can pay for. Today's gift is not something money can buy:

TIME.

If you haven't seen the finale, I won't ruin it for you (even though you probably should watch it since it's been over for years). But, the main point is that we are never giving enough time, and you never know when it will run out, so make the most of it.

I live this way with my daughter. With my eldest, I missed so much because I was working all the time. And when I wasn't working, there wasn't much time to sit back and savor the moments. Eventually I learned to create special moments with her, and to give more time to making memories, even if it meant making a little less money sometimes. (I was blessed with an understanding boss, and had earned a few extra days off after working so hard and long.) I got to be a chaperone for a few school trips, and even went to my daughter's field day, where she hula hooped for a minute during a relay race. (So proud.)

I am now lucky enough to be a stay at home mom. My significant other works so hard, and I appreciate it. I have seen my daughter crawl, heard her first word, and got bitten by her first tooth. There are days when I get nothing done, and I know that's okay, because I am making memories with her. Even if she doesn't remember, I can tell her I was there.

Since she was born, my 10 year old spends Thanksgiving or Christmas with her father's family. This year, it will be a lot different for her. Her grandparents passed away in the past year, a few months apart. I wish I could be there to take the sting out of it, because I know it's going to hurt her a lot.

Tomorrow is a day for family. You will go to someone's house, maybe bring a dish to share, and gather around a table to eat. But, don't forget to spend time and make memories. You never know how many more moments you will have with the people you love. Give the gift of love and time, because in the end, that is all that really matters.

Happy Thanksgiving, and love to you all.

Kicking Soda: Day 1

I have a soda addiction. I know it's bad for me, and I tell myself not to drink it. But, when anyone in my household goes to the store for drinks, that is usually what they come back with. To be fair, it's always on sale, and way cheaper than juices that are available in our immediate area. For someone on a budget, this is the "smart" choice... except it's not. (<<<<Click the link for health issues caused by soda.) Another reason it's not a smart choice: if it is all you drink, you go through it way faster, leading you to spend more money. I have noticed we can go through at least four 2-liter bottles in not even two days, but if we drink water, we drink way less.

So, I have decided to make the smarter choice and cut out soda completely. So far today, I had a few small swigs (because I had no willpower and barely any energy). However, there is now NO SODA IN THE HOUSE. No one else is home, and I have no means to get more. Perfect. This forces me to drink water and teas. I have some great flavor choices of tea from when I stopped drinking soda before, so that will help.

(Horrible picture editing on my part. Oh well.)

 

 

Why is this so important to me? I had gestational diabetes. (For those who don't know, this is diabetes specific to pregnancies. I was borderline with my first child, and was diagnosed with my second. It sucked, I was put on a special diet and had to test my blood 4 times a day. Luckily, I didn't need medicine, and it went away after birth.) The problem with having gestational diabetes is that it increases your risk of getting Type 2 diabetes after pregnancy. (According to this WebMD article based on a study done in 2008, about 19% of women who had gestational diabetes develop Type 2 diabetes within 9 years.) I would prefer to never test my blood ever again, and not be on a restrictive diet. Also, I hated the way I felt. I never had any energy, I felt horribly ill when my levels were off, and because my diet was pretty strict, I felt out of control of my own life. (I had to eat 8 times a day, and everything needed to be portioned. If I had an extra cup of milk, I felt sick.)

 

Why is this going to be hard? Caffeine dependency is an addiction. If you have had any experience with addiction, you know it's hard to kick. You go through the same processes as someone trying to quit drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol, just on a different, less scary level. (I'm not trying to compare myself to, nor minimize, someone withdrawing from more serious dependencies. I have had people in my life go through each of those addictions, and it is painful to watch.) You can experience headaches, nausea, mood swings, dizziness, sweats, and more while withdrawing from caffeine (and sugar). I usually get hit with headaches, nausea, crabbiness, and exhaustion.

 

If you decide to kick soda with me, please be careful. It can be painful, especially if you have been drinking soda numerous times a week for years like I have. If you want, you can wean yourself off gradually. I would love to do that, however I never make it through (it takes 21 days to develop a new habit, or break an old one). The easiest way for me is to just stop.

 

What are the options? To replace soda, you are not limited to just plain water. My favorite thing to do is add frozen fruit to my water instead of ice cubes. As it softens, more flavor gets released. I also add cucumber slices. So refreshing!

 

For more flavor, you can add a little bit of fruit juice. If you don't like flat water, you can use sparkling water. A great way to make a "fake soda" is to use a few squirts of flavored syrups in a sparkling/mineral water (Torani has amazing flavors as well as sugar-free options. The sugar-free flavors do have Splenda in them, which isn't the healthiest option, and has side effects of its own.)

 

Another great option for the colder months is tea! There are so many options, from black to green to detox and more. I love Celestial Seasonings Natural Detox, which sadly does not seem to be available on their site. I make it hot and iced. If you need your tea a little sweet, you can add sugar, or honey! (Tip: you can steep a few bags in a large pot of water to make pitchers of iced tea. Steep for a few hours and allow to cool. Also, you can steep tea bags in cold water, you just have to let it sit for a longer amount of time.)

 

In two weeks, I will be updating on my progress, and what I've been doing to make the transition easier. Please comment if you decide to detox with me, so we can continue the journey together.

 

See you Wednesday for Worth It Wednesday!!

 

 



Worth It Wednesday: Black Friday Sales

This is going to be a quick post today.

I was thinking about how many people go Black Friday shopping each year, and how much work can go into it. You have to look at ads, plan out where you are going, what you are getting, and when. It's a lot, especially when some stores have certain sales at specific times. Last year, we went to BJ's, Kohls, Target, Walmart, GameStop, and Best Buy. There may have been more, but it was a blur. We were out from around 8pm Thanksgiving night to 3am Black Friday, and then we went to visit family for the weekend. (I will say, I do not like going shopping on Thanksgiving. I feel that people in retail positions should have off to spend time with family. I was with other people last year, so it was out of my control.)

This year, I went searching for a list of stores that are having sales, and I found a great one! This Black Friday site tells you the stores that are having sales, what time the sale starts, and what items are discounted. They also show Cyber Monday deals and which stores are closed on Thanksgiving so you don't waste a trip!

Please be careful if you partake in Black Friday shopping. People turn into jerks when big sales are involved. I was almost run over by a cart at least 4 times, even while I was pregnant and holding a giant box (I was pretty hard not to notice). Also, there are inconsiderate people on the road, so be aware of your surroundings. Your life is more important than any sale! Good luck and happy shopping!

Worth It Wednesday: Giving to Receive!

I am so sorry, I realize I am way late posting, but I am so glad for this. Yesterday I discovered a great website that I wanted to share with you guys.

The holidays are about giving. Most people buy gifts and donate food to charities. However, I found a great place to give items you aren't using or don't need, and in return, you receive! Here's how it works:

Yerdle is like a giant online yard sale. When you sign up (using the link), you receive $35 "reusable cash" and free shipping on your first item. You can then use the money to buy items on the site. You can earn more by posting your items (this is where the giving part comes in). Because you cannot cash out the online currency, it gets reused over and over again (you can add money if you find an item but don't have enough for it). Also, you can gift money to friends.

Added bonus: when your friends sign up, you get $10 in your account. When the post their first item, you get another free shipping offer!

While you are shopping for loved ones this year, don't forget to declutter and make someone else's day!!!

Worth It Wednesday: Where To Get Original Gifts

I have been in a gift-giving rut. My father has always been hard to shop for. I know everything he likes, but mostly, he likes watching movies. He also likes coffee. So, for the past, umm, 6 years I have gotten him dvds and mugs. Granted, they are cool, like Harry Potter mugs and old school movies, but it's a pattern. I thought that I was branching out by getting him coffee beans by Joey Kramer, but that also included a mug. Ugh.

This year, I started way early, and still almost fell into my rut. I managed to stop myself, and I have plenty of time to figure it out. But, I do know where I am going: Etsy. If you haven't heard about this amazing site yet, it's a marketplace for unique, mostly handmade gifts. Usually I go on there for baby stuff, but this time I figured looking for something my father would like was worth a shot. My dad has been on a Star Trek kick, so I started there. And ended there... because there is so much amazing stuff! I found uniforms, pillows, plates, and an amazing desk lamp. I am torn between a few options, but I do know that he will not be getting a mug this year.

If you are stuck trying to find a gift for a loved one, check Etsy out. I have found some really great things on there (like Walking Dead Converse, which combines two things I love!)