Losing Myself

Truth time.

Sometimes I look at myself and don't see myself. I see "mom" or "wife", but not myself.

It is so easy to lose sense of who you are once you stop doing everything that defines you. Think about it: Who are you? How do you define yourself? I bet you one of the first three things is your job. Then comes what you look like, what your values are, etc. But what happens when it's all gone?

I became a stay-at-home mom when I got pregnant. Before that, I could tell you exactly who I was: a senior sales rep and driver for Autozone. I wore jeans most of the time, and dyed my hair and cut it when I was stressed. My nails tended to be short and painted random colors. I worked out at least 3 times a week, and even if I didn't, I walked so much and lifted so many heavy parts that it counted as exercise. Sometimes I wore makeup, but most of the time I didn't feel I needed it.

Now, I couldn't begin to tell you who I am. I don't work out, I haven't had a haircut in over a year, haven't dyed it in the same amount of time, my nails are long and unpainted because I don't have time, besides the baby would try to eat the paint, I don't even think I own makeup anymore, and there is no reason to dirty clothes if I'm not going anywhere, so I wear pajamas. My main priority is to keep the baby happy, and everything else can wait.

I am not saying this because I am unhappy. I love my life, and I feel extremely lucky to be able to stay home. But, you don't realize how full your life is until you stop doing everything. (I will say, I stopped exercising because pregnancy was not kind to me. I got almost every crappy symptom, and for the first 4 months, I could barely move without pain and vomiting. Now, it's so hard to find time. See previous post for details!)

I am writing this post because I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I am not depressed, but I know this... nothingness?... can send people into a downward spiral. If even one person reads this post and decides to seek help, then it is worth it to me.

I am embracing the person I have become. It's hard sometimes, but you have to find joy in little things. When I clean, it makes me happy, because I am making an important contribution to the household. (It seems ridiculous, but I have always had a job. Without it, I sometimes feel like I am not helping enough.) When I can't clean, I know it's because I was bonding with my child. When I do something for myself (like read or crochet), I know it is to keep my mind healthy and clear. I try to take time to look at myself and see me as I am now, not comparing to who I was. 

Please, if you ever feel like you have lost yourself, try to find little things to be grateful and happy about. If you can't or ever feel like you are at the bottom of a pit, do not be afraid to GET HELP. Talking to someone does not make you weak or broken. It means you are strong enough to take control.

I am sorry if this post was a bunch of rambling nothingness, but I needed to get it out. Have a nice week!