Feel What You Do

Life is too short to live with regrets.

Every so often, I forget that. Sometime I lose sight of the fact that life should be filled with your joy, not just your sorrows.

I have felt a lot of sorrow lately. Some is explainable (anniversaries of loved ones deaths are within the first 4 months of the year), but some just hits fast, hard, and out of nowhere. I can't stop it, I can't explain it. But, I also know that it needs to stop.

More often than not, I find myself too busy to take care of my mind. I shower, brush my teeth, go to work, eat, sleep.... but what do I do for my SOUL? Usually, nothing. I stretch my nerves to the breaking point and then crash in a heap of stress. And I know a lot of people do the same.

STOP IT.

Take care of your spirit. Nurture yourself, like you did as a kid. Play, read, write, love.

I love with my whole being. It is who I am, who I've always been. I bring joy to people by being me. But sometimes, there's a voice (either in my head or outside my body) that says "No, you are too friendly. You are doing something wrong." But... what is wrong with spreading love in a world full of hate? What is wrong with loving someone and wanting them to know that someone cares about them? NOTHING.

Do what you feel, and feel what you do.

Spread joy and love, and feel it in you. But as the same idea, if you spread hatred, maybe try to feel that too. Feel how it affects others. And make a change.

If you love something, do it. Nurture that desire to change, to dream. Don't be afraid to make waves. Climb trees, read books, listen to music.

BE YOU. Because in the end, you are the only one that can make you happy.

Losing Myself

Truth time.

Sometimes I look at myself and don't see myself. I see "mom" or "wife", but not myself.

It is so easy to lose sense of who you are once you stop doing everything that defines you. Think about it: Who are you? How do you define yourself? I bet you one of the first three things is your job. Then comes what you look like, what your values are, etc. But what happens when it's all gone?

I became a stay-at-home mom when I got pregnant. Before that, I could tell you exactly who I was: a senior sales rep and driver for Autozone. I wore jeans most of the time, and dyed my hair and cut it when I was stressed. My nails tended to be short and painted random colors. I worked out at least 3 times a week, and even if I didn't, I walked so much and lifted so many heavy parts that it counted as exercise. Sometimes I wore makeup, but most of the time I didn't feel I needed it.

Now, I couldn't begin to tell you who I am. I don't work out, I haven't had a haircut in over a year, haven't dyed it in the same amount of time, my nails are long and unpainted because I don't have time, besides the baby would try to eat the paint, I don't even think I own makeup anymore, and there is no reason to dirty clothes if I'm not going anywhere, so I wear pajamas. My main priority is to keep the baby happy, and everything else can wait.

I am not saying this because I am unhappy. I love my life, and I feel extremely lucky to be able to stay home. But, you don't realize how full your life is until you stop doing everything. (I will say, I stopped exercising because pregnancy was not kind to me. I got almost every crappy symptom, and for the first 4 months, I could barely move without pain and vomiting. Now, it's so hard to find time. See previous post for details!)

I am writing this post because I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I am not depressed, but I know this... nothingness?... can send people into a downward spiral. If even one person reads this post and decides to seek help, then it is worth it to me.

I am embracing the person I have become. It's hard sometimes, but you have to find joy in little things. When I clean, it makes me happy, because I am making an important contribution to the household. (It seems ridiculous, but I have always had a job. Without it, I sometimes feel like I am not helping enough.) When I can't clean, I know it's because I was bonding with my child. When I do something for myself (like read or crochet), I know it is to keep my mind healthy and clear. I try to take time to look at myself and see me as I am now, not comparing to who I was. 

Please, if you ever feel like you have lost yourself, try to find little things to be grateful and happy about. If you can't or ever feel like you are at the bottom of a pit, do not be afraid to GET HELP. Talking to someone does not make you weak or broken. It means you are strong enough to take control.

I am sorry if this post was a bunch of rambling nothingness, but I needed to get it out. Have a nice week!

Life Is Short

 

 

I have all the time in the world... yet I don't.

 

 

Confused? I'll explain.

I am a stay at home mom. My days are filled with diapers, feedings, and cleaning. While it is a lot of work, it also leaves me with tons of free time.

However, as morbid as it sounds, we all have a shelf life. Eventually, we all go into that good night, whether it be gently or raving like a lunatic. (If you don't understand the reference, the poem is included at the end of this post.) And when you have so much time on your hands, you sometimes think about the end of it all.

I watch a decent amount of television. While most of it is children's shows, sometimes I get into a show or movie that makes me ponder the unknown. Today was a mixture of the movie Interstellar and the old show Beverly Hills 90210. Weird combo, right? Interstellar is a movie about the possible extinction of the human race (definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it, BTW), so it's obvious why I think about the end of time after viewing. 90210 seems random, but I have reached the college years, where there is death, drugs, AIDS, and all sorts of other heavy stuff.

When you think of mortality, especially your own, you look back on your life and tend to dwell on mistakes and things you HAVE NOT DONE. That is a normal process. I think about all the horrible things I have done, even though I try so hard to be a good person. I think about how things would be different if I had made even one choice instead of another.

This is crap, and torture. You can't change the past, only the future. What's more, life is too short to beat yourself up about your regrets. You learn from the past, you don't let it root you.

Life is too short to do any of the following: let someone else control you, dwell so much about the "what ifs" that you become frozen, get stuck in a job you hate, or not follow your passions. Life is too short to stop learning. I'll reiterate this point: NEVER stop learning. Life is too short to not believe in yourself, or to let others bring you down.

One fact that reminds me that life is short: I graduated high school in 2005. Within that small window of time, my daughter turned 10. I got married and divorced. I had another baby. And at least 5 people from my class are dead. In 2009, I was in a motorcycle accident; luckily I was not hurt. Two days later, my friend died in a motorcycle accident on the same road I was on. Two people died due to violent attacks, two from illness.

You don't know what's going to happen from one moment to the next. Try to spend your life living in the moment as much as you can.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Changes!

For the month of November, I have decided to push myself to make some changes. Some will be small, others not so much.

Some small changes: revamping my website, making a to-do list every day, and meditating daily.

A few BIG changes: reaching out to at least 2 people a day about Beachbody, doing more challenging workouts weekly, and creating a monthly meal plan.

All of these are focused on growth, both for myself and my family. I need to make changes if I want to go different places, as we all do. People wonder why they aren't getting the lives they desire. It's because they are afraid of change. I was there too. But, I have realized fear is just worry... about things that may never even happen. If you keep living in fear, nothing will happen, good or bad.

So, I have decided to take a leap of faith. Just push harder and see where it takes me. And when I begin to feel nervous our afraid, I can meditate to regain my center and realize there's nothing to fear.

If you have been thinking about doing something, but are afraid what may happen, DO IT ANYWAY! Something bad may happen, sure, but something amazing could happen as well.