Mistakes Were Made

Anyone who uses Facebook knows that there is a memories feature. It shows you what you posted on the same day in the past.

Lately, I have been hit with some doozies. It's easy to look back at your life and skim over glaringly obvious facts, and wonder why things didn't work out the way you wanted... until you have those facts show up in your own words from the past.

I won't get into specifics, but today, I saw work and relationships that are so far from where I am today. And, it's funny, but when I look back, I don't remember all those flaws in my life. I forget about the happy days where I loved my job, and the bad days where my ex-friends were giant jerks. I look back and always see myself miserable and worn out, or blaming myself for not talking to people anymore. In my head, I am always at fault for everything.

It's so easy to blame yourself for every tiny problem in the past. They say that hindsight is 20/20, but I find that that's a lie. Even knowing exactly where things went wrong doesn't stop me from seeing it way differently. As a person with bipolar disorder, it gets even worse when I hit a low point. I know my life is good, and I'm blessed to stay home and watch my baby grow up. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But, if I'm depressed, it's far too easy to look back and kick myself for not being a better person. It's hard to remember the facts: that some of the people who used to be in my life didn't care about me as much as I did them, and made me miserable.

If you are the same way, try to remember that you aren't fully at fault for all of the "bad things" that have happened in your life. There are memories hat get glossed over to make things make sense. Also, the reverse: everything that has happened in your life is not someone else's fault. People can influence your life, but only so much. You are in control of yourself, and you can't blame other people for everything. Either way, try to see things clearly, and keep moving forward with the reality that you can't change your past, but you are always shaping your future. :)

How to let go... or not.

Have you ever dreamed about a person in your past?

Of course you have. Everyone has at some point or another. But what happens when they start haunting you? I don't mean like you see in movies where ghosts are following you and scaring you. I mean in your mind.

Lately I have had a few people on my mind, and they just won't leave me alone! Some have passed on, some are just out of my life, but all will never have full closure. While I am okay with that, they still keep popping up and my mind wanders with "what-ifs". So how do I make it stop?

While I have not figured out how to get them out of my dreams, I have been getting better during the day. I think this is due in part to me finally watching Eat Pray Love. (Truth: I have been putting this off forever. I figured it wasn't my type of movie, but it's actually pretty good. I watched about half of it before I had to leave, but I did get something out of it.) The main character was having a hard time letting go of the people she had left behind, and the person she was with told her that when they cross her mind, to send them love and let them pass on by. So I have been working on this.

Sadly, as easy as this sounds, sometimes it is easier to "chase the rabbit". (Yes, I am the nerd that just made a "Pacific Rim" reference.) However, NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM IT!! You can't do anything different with your past, for one simple reason: it has already passed. Trust me, sometimes when I am having a hard day, I love to stroll down memory lane, but it really does not help me. In fact, it tends to make things worse. As much as I love and miss my ghosts, they are gone. They aren't going to help me when new problems arise. They aren't going to pay my bills, or bring me soup when I'm sick, or fix my car. So, when they jump into the foreground of my mind, I send love out into the universe, wish them the best in whatever they are doing, and then wave goodbye and move on.

Dreams are different. Most people cannot control them. (Some people learn "lucid dreaming", but I don't have the patience, nor do I care enough. My dreams are not scary most of the time, but if yours are, it may be worth a shot.) At least once a week, I dream about someone from the past. Usually they are normal, boring dreams, but sometimes I wake up sad. It can be really hard not to dwell on these dreams, and then the people in them. My go-to fix is to distract myself. I'll play a timed game (so that I have to focus), or I'll play with the baby. The trick is to find something you have to pay complete attention to. Dishes are a surefire way to lose yourself in memories.

Another way to deal with dreams is to keep a "dream journal". You leave a notebook next to your bed, and as soon as you wake up (even in the middle of the night), you write down your dreams, or as much as you can remember. Then, you let it go. This works because you are forcing the memory out of you mind in a physical way. I used to try this, but I was didn't have the discipline to keep it up.

If you are still having a hard time letting go, or if it's becoming a hindrance to your life, seek help. This could be a therapist, but you could also confide in a friend to try to work out why these people keep popping up. Never be afraid to ask for assistance.

Have a great day, everyone!

Chasing Chase

Every year around this time, I start thinking about the past and all the little things that led me to where I am today. One of those things is Chase.

Chase was born shortly after midnight on January 1st, 2009. Even though I wasn't there for it, I stayed awake and knew as soon as he was born. It's sad that I remember this, since I only met him once when he was a few months old.

So why do I remember his birth? It's because his birthday was at a pivotal moment in my life. A few weeks before, I had told my husband I wanted a divorce. I had my "dream job" (or at least the job I had been training for my whole life). I was asserting some form of independence for the first time in my adult life. Sad since I was 23.

I feel like everything after Chase's birthdate was a new life for me. Since then, I got into a motorcycle accident, been in numerous relationships, had a few jobs, went to college, had a baby, met new people, and lost a few people, too.

I look back on this time and realize how much my life has changed. I look different, think different, act different. And since I am a nostalgic person, I look back and miss all the incarnations of myself. I also miss the person I thought I would become. I thought I would be married once, never divorced, have 3 kids, live in a nice house in the country, be a hip stay at home mom, and maybe have an animal rescue. Wow, dream big, right? Reality: I am divorced, engaged, mother of 2, live in an apartment in a not-so-nice town, and even though I am a stay at home mom, I am far from hip. (To be fair, I definitely had a hip phase, but it's way too much work right now.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had for anything. It all led me to this point, where I have an amazing family and I've grown into myself as a pretty cool person. (Trust me, I'm awesome.) But, every year, I will most likely think of my past, and the moment I started chasing Chase.