Setting my intention

 I will lose weight. 

My goal is to be 130 pounds. That is a weight loss of 40 pounds. I will do it, or at the very least, make it to 140.

I bought a protein shake (supposedly better than Shakeology, we shall see). I got new weights (tried cardio and yoga and cannot keep myself motivated). I already have a water bottle, I am doing great with that. 

I will get my ass in gear, and workout daily. Even if it's a small amount. Yesterday I did 2 sets of 10 reps, for about 7 moves. I felt that I should do more, but I don't want to hurt myself and not be able to continue. 

I will eat better. I will not snack incessantly, and I will be more aware of what I am eating.

I will research and implement new weight lifting exercises. Yesterday I was only able to purchase a set of 5 lb weights, which is fine. Eventually I would like to get a kettlebell, and maybe a set of 10 lb weights. I also need to use my resistance bands more.

I will love my body, in all of its stages. This is such a struggle for me. Honestly, it has been since I was 22. I always found reasons to hate my body. Now it's worse being I'm considered obese. But I will not let that happen anymore. Below is a time when I was "thin" and happy, and also a time when I was "fat" and happy. I will love my body no matter what.

2013ish

a few weeks ago

        

I'm annoyed and venting

 I am trying to move. I do not need judgement on the location... yet I get it. This is me saying all the crap I cannot say aloud.

Okay, not a perfect neighborhood. However I live in a broken down crawlspace of an apartment. It would be great to have a full house with a fenced in backyard. So what if the street is narrow? I live in a cesspool of a town. Three streets over is still gonna be the same crime rate. I'm grateful to not live on the busy street with a rowdy upstairs neighbor anymore.

My neighbor wants to sell her house to us... but who knows when she will be ready to do so. I need to get my older daughter registered for the next school year. I need more space. I can't live in this broken down apartment anymore. This damn house is good enough. It's not forever. And it's none of your damn business where I move as you have put me and my family in so many fucked up situations.

You aren't the one waking up at 5am to someone slamming a riding mower into your bedroom wall. You aren't the one dealing with screaming dogs, and loud annoying people, and things breaking down. You aren't the one that has zero extra space in their bedroom, and not having a yard for the kids to be in. You don't live on a noisy street.

Sorry that you dug me into a hole of debt so I cannot apply for loans. Sorry I don't run scams to make myself an asston of money. Sorry that I'm not trying to marry up, and I don't mooch off of others. I bought my own damn car. I'm paying off all my debts. I'm going to drag myself up, and provide a great life for my family. Don't forget where you came from, and how hard your family had to work. They weren't always in the position they are now. But somehow you seem to forget all that everyone has gone through, as you skate by. 

You just watch me, rising from the ashes of the life you handed me. You aren't in control. You can watch me succeed on my own. And eventually I will get the better house. Eventually I will use that house as a rental, and keep moving up and out. I will get my beautiful dream home some day, and you will just be the same as you always have been... because you know nothing about real life.

Cirkul Bottle Review

 

I am trying to be healthier. I cut out my soda intake, and want to drink more water. To help me do so, I ordered a Cirkul bottle and 6 starter flavors. I just got the bottle today, but I already have some thoughts.

Ordering Impressions: I ordered from this company because there was a discount on a bottle and 2-3 flavors. (Click here to get the deal!) Cool deal, very exciting. HOWEVER, a few things. You are forced to subscribe (you can cancel). Customer service is not responsive. I know this because: It took over a month to get my initial order. That is fine, I understand they are backed up. But, the subscription order was sent and arrived before the first order even shipped. I never got response from customer service other than a standard email saying there are delays. I am probably going to put my subscription on hold since I now have so many flavor cartridges.

On the plus side, they do have a variety of flavors and bottles. You can also choose what flavors you would like for your subscription, and it is easy to change how often you get your next package.

First Impressions of Product: After waiting so long for this bottle, I was unsure of how much I would enjoy it. So far, I am impressed. I opted for the raspberry lemonade flavor (sweetened with Stevia). It was easy to assemble. The cap stays attached, but has a clip to keep it tucked out of the way. The flavor strength is adjustable; I have it at 3, as 4 was too strong, but it goes up to 10, and you have the option to close the flavor and just drink the water. On setting #5, the flavor cartridge is supposed to last 4 bottle fill-ups, which equals about $.82 per drink. Also, the cartridges are recyclable (You may have to call your recycling center to be sure they will accept them).

I have noticed a clicking noise after I drink from it, almost like air is caught inside. But otherwise, it is great so far. I will update in a week or so, after I have tested it out more.

Quick Side Note: I just noticed that you get points depending on orders, how long you stay subscribed, etc. The points can be used on bottles AND flavors.

One Week Impressions: I really like this bottle. So far I have only used 2 of the flavor filters, but both were great. I do find myself drinking a lot more water. I have my settings at 3-4, I find anything higher is too strong for me. My current filter seems to have an airflow issue; it whistles and the nozzle overflows after drinking. Not a huge problem, just annoying. Also annoying, knowing when your flavor has run out. I thought my first one was done so I disassembled it, pulled the packet off, and there was so much left. Whoops. I also have flavors that I probably won't use, and You have to use the cartridges within 7-10 days after sipping from them as they can form mold. I think I am going to adjust my next order to include items without caffeine so that I can drink them without changing.

I'm just so tired

 I am sorry that I have not kept up with my blogging about.... well, anything.

I have to be completely transparent here. I am tired.

This week, I am sick. But, even before that, exhaustion has settled into my bones. I try so hard to keep up with life, and right now, again, it crushes me. I know I will come out of it fine. But for right now, I'm tired and can't seem to fully wake up.

Not just physically. Emotionally as well. I feel like every time I make progress, there is someone there to grab my arm and try to pull me backwards. I have so much heavy stuff in my heart right now, things that I don't know how to fix, things that terrify me. I have zero motivation to do pretty much anything, because I am so weighed down.

The road to recovering from trauma is rarely straight-forward.

I realized today that I am holding on to so much, from the recent past, but also the not-so-recent. I heard an announcement for a concert I have gone to so many times, but it filled me with dread and anxiety. The last time I went was the start of the worst period of my life. And while the person I went with and I have since forgiven each other, it seems I have not forgiven myself. I'm not ready to go back yet.

I feel like I am missing a chunk of who I once was. I am working hard to find myself again, even though I have no drive to do so. I feel it is imperative to my healing process to figure that out.

Please bear with me during this time, as I may not be as consistent as I should be.