He's Gone...

Fifteen years ago, my cousin was murdered.

One of her killers committed suicide before trial. Now, the other one was found dead in prison. Her family now has closure...

Except me.

Everyone is relieved and glad he's gone. And maybe it is because I am more removed from the situation, but I don't feel that way. All I feel is everything I felt that first night that she was gone. I feel those powerful emotions that came when I read her obituary, and followed the newspaper reports of the court proceedings.

I feel that loss all over again.

Everyone keeps telling me I should be happy that there is finally justice. But, I didn't think of him, didn't care about him. The moment he went to prison, he was a distant memory, except to be glad he had to live with what he did.

Thinking about him doesn't bring Carrie back. For that, I sing. I look at pictures and videos of my beautiful angel, my big sister. And I relive all of our memories, because we had a ton. But, when I heard the news, that sorrow returned in full force, and I was faced with memories of loss, and the life she would never get to live, and how lonely it is without her.

Since the day I found out, my heart breaks over and over again every time I wake up. I wasn't healed before, but now yet again I am shattered. My best friend has been stolen yet again, because now all I see is his face.




I just wanted to share my thoughts, because I feel like no one understands my reaction. If you read this, thank you for dealing with my grief.