Daydreaming on Paper prompt

 List ten things that you have lost or given away that you would like to have back again.

1.  My photo collection. I had a box full of photos, of my childhood, family, kids. I lost them when I had to decide between a storage unit and electricity.
2.  My acoustic guitar. Again, I lost this with the storage unit. My dad bought it for me when I was 16, and it was my stress comfort for a long time.
3.  My baby blanket. I am almost positive my mother got rid of this. I had packed it for an overnight trip to my friends house, and somehow it disappeared. Again, a source of comfort.
4.  My jade necklace. My aunt bought me this beautiful jade necklace, and I took it off to shower and when I came out it was gone. Again, I feel my mother had something to do with this, as I never saw it again.
5.  My surgery bear. When I was 5, I had my first surgery. My grandparents bought me a stuffed bear that lay on a pillow and played music. It was a source of comfort, not just for me, but my roommate in the hospital as well. My mother threw it away one of the many times she "cleaned" my room. 
6.  My engagement ring. This may seem dumb. But I bought this ring myself, and it signified a lot over the years. It got destroyed, much like I destroyed that relationship.
7.  My grandmother's items. I inherited a decent amount of Native American memorabilia when my grandmother died. Over the years, it has disappeared, or been destroyed accidentally in moves. I have a few pieces left, and I cling to their memories.
8.  My N64. Honestly, nothing compares to this system. The memories and nostalgia attached to it... (see also: Sega Genesis)
9.  My poetry book. Senior year of HS, I took Words, Music, and Poetry. Our final project was a book. I decorated mine with pictures, and poured so much into it. Some of my best work was in there.
10.  Honestly, I can't think of anything else. Everything that crosses my mind is superficial and can easily be replaced, aside from people and ideas. 

Take the Time

 I went on a vacation this weekend... sort of.

My boyfriend and I went to a hotel not too far from home. We sprung for a suite, with a hot tub. We brought dvds, and just spent a weekend enjoying our life together. We went to the zoo, ate out, and just spent time together as a couple. 

With both of us working, and the kids, it is hard to remember who we are as a couple. We steal little moments here and there, but our life revolves around the kids and making memories and providing security for them. This weekend was just about us. 

That sounds so selfish, but I have come to realize that couples need that. It is so easy to forget who you are together, aside from just parents and workers. We are a team, yes. But we also fell in love with an individual, and you should take time to reconnect.

It doesn't matter how you do it. We didn't go far, and we were still available if the kids needed us. But we made sure we were together, alone, and focused on each other the whole time. 

In the past, I haven't been the greatest mate. Mainly because I've never taken the time to fall in love with my significant other again. My sole focus was the kids, and my love life suffered constantly and repeatedly. I have found the person I want to spend forever with, and I am willing to put in the work.

When was the last time you were just... together?

Eat Pray Love... A Short Review

 I watched the movie before reading the book... bad idea.

I did love the book. It took me entirely too long to read, because I never had time. However, I was biased because of the movie. The movie romanticized the story a lot, and skimmed over some topics. 

The way the author told the story, with so much detail, moved me. I felt like I was living it, especially at where I was in my life. I found a desire to travel to these places she was describing. I bought a set of mala beads. I tried to meditate... and failed. 

This book makes me want to do more, be more. And that is absolutely because of the author's ability to write. The movie did nothing like that. It felt decadent, where the book felt raw and true.

I read this months ago, and while I do not fully remember the story, I remember the main plot points, and especially how I FELT while reading it. 

Reading Tarot Intuitively

 I have a habit of leaning hard on my instruction books. Not the easiest way to do readings. So I did a short class on intuitive readings, and since I am a highly intuitive human, I figured I could do this. Today was day one, and I am going to try to log my journey here, as well as in my journal. The idea is, I pull a card, read it, and then notice how it influences/comes into my day. Then at night I write down those things.

First, the deck I am using: 

She's gorgeous, right? Not gonna lie, this is not the deck I was planning on getting. I decided to go to the store and buy a whole new deck to work with, because my main deck (which I adore) is rude, and my others are a little too different to work with yet. But when I chose one, I reached over this one and I could FEEL it. So yup she came home with me. 

Note: I did not take the time to break her in yet.... hence day one.

• Day one: 3/1/2021: Immense failure of a pull. I pulled the Page of Cups, which I looked at and tried to tell the story. Which if I was a little more comfortable I would have gotten. I went to: a boy walking on a bed of flowers with a chalice in his hands... but there's something else in his hands (idiot, its a cloud). So I went to the book, and the internet, because I couldn't understand. It is essentially a messenger of intuition, inspiration, and relationships....
• End of day thoughts: So... I tend to have heavy anxiety, especially if I don't hear from someone. My bf did not respond to me until nighttime. Normally I'd freak out thinking he hates me, going to break up with me, etc. I had to use my intuition to know nothing was wrong. I used personal motivation to start reading 2 books (one of which I have already finished. I was also inspired to take a detour and give a gift to the Gods for all that I have received physically and spiritually in the past few months.
• Day two: 3/2/2021: Judgement. This deck is really hard to read intuitively, but I refuse to give up. The card itself at first look is dreadful. There's a big guy, and he is surrounded by what looks like the good and evil angels that go on your shoulders, ya know? And he is blowing a horn, either at a person, or this person fell out of it. However, upon closer inspection, this person was falling into a bed of flowers. So not too scary. I was unsure of what it actually meant after 5 minutes, especially because I'm clueless about the Major Arcana. So I did look it up. It means physical and spiritual natures joining, new energy, new beginnings, and a fresh outlook. So pretty uplifting...
• End of day thoughts: Well, this isn't the end of the day yet, but I noticed it so I am writing it. In the book I am reading, it is talking about Eros and Psyche, who, when they wed, form a union of soul, spirit, and flesh. I also realized how much better I feel, without really noticing it. 
• Day three: 3/3/2021: Two of Pentacles: This card literally flew out of my deck as I was asking what message I needed to receive today. I know that twos mean equality and partnership, and pentacles deal with financial things. However, when I look at this card, I also notice that the two people are standing back to back, holding each other up, and the coins are entwined with an infinity symbol. So maybe, equality of finances, equality of burden and responsibilities... not necessarily by myself and someone else. Maybe it has to do with me being able to balance things...
• End of day thoughts: Not really many. My dad got his check after floundering for the last month. I am still floating above my budget. I mean, everything seems in balance. Maybe I just needed to look at it? 
• Day four: 3/4/2021: Queen of Swords: Again I did go to the book, BUT I did try to get as much from the card on my own before that. What I saw: a shiny woman with wild hair, who is serious and holding a crazy sword upright in her hand. The book/site says: spiritual perception, independence, someone with clear boundaries, not a woman to mess with. Okay, I can work with that lol...
• End of day thoughts: I honestly don't know. I know that I found a long lost cousin yesterday... not that I think he will ever talk to me, but at least I know he's okay. Same thing with my best friend. It took me a bit, but I figured out how to reach him. It was an emotional day for me but I held it together pretty well, I think.
• Day five: 3/5/2021: So. After shuffling the deck, I pulled Queen of Swords. I'm starting to think that may be my new significator. However, for the purpose of this exercise, I am trying to do a new card every day. So I drew again. This time it was Four of Swords. Fours mean stability, like a table, or a square. Swords are based in logic and communication. So far today I have been using logic and communication a lot. Let's what the rest of the day brings.
• End of day thoughts: Honestly, I didn't really pay much attention. Which is horrible. But I made sure my family was secure for the weekend, spent time with them, tried to relax and overcome a lot of anxiety (lots of being stuck in lines, which sets me off). A lot of open dialogue with my eldest daughter, which she needs to be secure. Opening up old lines of communication with people, finding people who were long lost. So, pretty eventful I guess?
• Day six: 3/8/2021: Eight of Cups: This one... I'm unsure how to interpret. I saw a woman holding (she was actually behind) a basket of chalices, water below her, moon above her, and a cliff next to her. To me, it felt calm. I did look it up for clarification. It means the need for emotional regeneration, and moving on from overwhelming emotional situations. This could be for myself or my daughter. We are both transitioning from traumatic events of the past, trying to search for a better future. However, she has voiced the issue of feeling lost, and not being able to find herself and let go. I guess we will see what today has in store for us and what lessons we learn.
• End of day thoughts: So I did tell my daughter about this pull. However, I do not know if it affected her. I did have a discussion with my boyfriend about my inability and struggles to make choices. Which is caused by not having any control to make decisions in the past... So I need to overcome that. 
• Day seven: 3/9/2021: Temperance: This card depicts an angel pouring liquid from one vessel to another. This one was pretty straight forward to me. Balance. It also means patience, cooperation, and understanding.
• End of day thoughts: Yesterday was an exercise in patience and understanding. In my job, where everyone wanted to be grumpy at me for no damn reason. In the world, where so many people were being crazy, but at a snail's pace. And in my personal life, where it felt like people were ignoring me (they weren't) and not around. Side note: we went for a late night walk and felt a weird presence that was almost... stalking us. 
• Day eight: 3/10/2021: I'm starting to wonder if this deck is even mine... Five of Cups: a woman pouring liquid from a cup, as others topple and spill around her. Regret, Wallowing...
• End of day thoughts: I talked to my daughter about this. And she decided to take over this deck. Also I gave her a piece of clear quartz.... and it keeps removing itself from her sight.

I think I may change my deck that I do daily pulls with. This one does not seem to be resonating with me, but picking up on my daughter and her needs. Therefore, tonight I am going to test this theory and switch to this deck:

I have had this deck for a very long time. I no longer have the box, she is housed in a velvet bag. I was avoiding using her for this exercise for a very important reason: she's a bitch. Yeah, I'll get a proper reading, but it's going to be very "in your face" and snarky. I have asked, just to test it, who I was. I pulled out 5 different cards, one at a time, all showing females. I will say, I do feel a connection with this one, even when I'm neglectful for months at a time. Whoops... 

• Day nine: 3/11/2021: I have learned that if this deck wants me to see something, I will freaking see it or it will "shock" me. I thought one card was pulled. It was two. So here they are: Three of Coins, and the Hierophant. 

        --Three of coins: I look at this and see collaboration. There are three women sitting together, working on various things, but all very much relaxed as a group. There is a man standing behind them with a book, and someone on a ladder doing work on the wall, where the coins are set. Book meaning: creativity rewarded.

        --The Hierophant: This man, in an obvious elevated position (Pope?). Two people behind him, looking at him adoringly, piously. He is adorned with a coin-like brooch, with keys hanging from it. He is holding a staff. The feeling I get from this is a smugness?? (That could just be the deck being a jerk, as always lol.  Book meaning: spiritual understanding once you leave the past in the past, and times of change.

•  End of day thoughts: Eff this day. I spent the whole first half of my day fighting with someone, to the point where I turned my phone off. I haven't turned my phone off for more than 10 minutes for YEARS, because of my kids. I needed the break. I spent the rest of the day, and night, blaring music, and screaming the lyrics, and crying over a mother that isn't there, and then falling into calm with the best man I have ever met. SO MUCH to unpack from this day and I just have zero desire to do so.
• Day ten: 3/12/2021: Ten of Wands: A man carrying ten wands outside of walls to where large bags are waiting for him. He seems forlorn. Behind him in the distance is a city. Carrying a heavy load or burden. Ha isn't that the truth...
• End of day thoughts: So normally I get paid on Fridays, however today, nope. I'll be getting paid on the 15th. Fine whatever, I just had to make adjustments. But, this does mean that more adjustments need to be made for this weekend. And I still have yesterday's weight on me. Also, this weekend was trying, in many ways.
• Day eleven: 3/15/2021: Three of Swords: A woman standing on a pillar holding a book. Dark storm clouds all around her. In the sky, a heart with three swords driven into it. I did check my book after trying to decipher, and I was right... almost. What I thought: sadness, loss of a relationship. The book said: misery and sorrow at the end of a relationship, but time will ease the pain...
• End of day thoughts: I'm already going through this. This is my deck being a jerk because I pulled the Hierophant again and refused to read it lol. It essentially is saying "oh no, you will hear me!" So essentially, it is still telling me to move from the past to be happy, just in a much snarkier way. I wish I could. I do. However, every single day I am being bullied and attacked by someone in my past, and unfortunately I can't just block them.
• Day twelve: 3/16/2021: Nine of Wands: An injured, well-dressed man standing outside of the city gates. He uses a wand (a long stick) as a crutch; the others stand upright as fortification. The city is far off, and well protected. Maybe he belongs in the city? Book meaning: Be prepared for challenges, and all will go well; a time of change approaches. Someone (a man) comes to mind when I see this, however it could just be because I'm tired of his crap lol...
• End of day thoughts: I am assuming that this is more of a warning for the near future. The day was mildly hectic, but otherwise really good.
• Update 3/23/2021: My boyfriend's job is ending in 2 months. Huh.
• Day thirteen: 3/17/2021: Six of Cups: Two children are relaxing in a garden. Six cups are around them, filled with blooming flowers. One child is reading, the other is holding a bird. It is a very peaceful scene. I did try to read this intuitively; all I felt was an overwhelming peace with where I am. The book says: innocence, faithful acceptance, unconditional and unquestioning love. Honestly, I think this might be because right now I am not stressed, have had a really good evening and morning, and woke up to the love of my life. 
• End of day thoughts: It really was a nice calm day. No fighting, just peace and love.
• 3/18/2021: I am skipping today, as it has been a weird morning and I am having difficulties clearing my mind.
• Day 14: 3/19/2021: Eight of Wands: A bird flying over 8 wands, one has a scroll with a message written on it. Below, a countryside. Book meaning: travel, ideas swiftly made reality.
• End of day thoughts: Well, right before I pulled this card, I ordered tickets for a museum... that I literally decided to go to that moment. I also planned a weekend away. 
• I am taking a bit of a break, as I am overwhelmed with life. Nothing bad, just so much to do. I will be back at it soon.
• Day 15: 4/19/2021: The Fool: This would be the card I pull my first day back. A woman holding a drum, oblivious to the fact that she is standing on a cliff. A dog jumps on her as if to warn her. The feeling I get from this card directly correlates to how my weekend went. I had quite a few near misses, and a slow feeling of dread has snuck up on me. This feels like a warning. The book says that it means blissful ignorance, and an unknown force may bear on a question at hand... 
• End of day thoughts: One month later, I'm still pulling this card.
• Day 16: 5/20/2021: Five of cups reversed: Normally I don't do reversed readings. However, I try really hard to keep my cards facing the same way. I pulled this card upright from the last deck. I am not going to do this as an intuitive reading, as I also pulled The Fool. Book meaning: a card of regret and disillusionment, but hope will soon be restored. I have been feeling like something is off for the past week. It might be in my head. I don't know. There's a lot going on in my life, with choices of housing, kids' issues, etc. I can't even begin to unpack this pull right now.
• End of day thoughts: I was struggling the past couple days. Last night was great. It's like everything just sorta fell into place for a bit. I was so stressed and now yet again I am calm. 
• Day 17: 5/21/2021: Knight of Wands: First impression of this card: "Look at this fancy asshole." No, really, look:

            This dude seems so self-assured. I read confidence, especially since there is a fire behind him and he is just like, nope not today. (Also, I LOVE fire). This card feels like pure "big dick energy" to me. Also, looking it up, it shows up when someone is moving to a new residence, or about to travel/go on an adventure. Yup that's me! Side note: boyfriend also has an interview today :)

• End of day thoughts: My boyfriend got the job (didn't tell me til he actually started). Still waiting on the house (it is all set to move in, just waiting on one more thing).
• Day 18: 6/7/2021: Six Of Wands: Bro, can you calm down?! My deck refused to let me shuffle properly, kept sticking on this card. Okay fine I get it! So, 3 guys on horses, one walking behind with a bugle. Not gonna lie, their head wrappings made me think they were injured at first. There are banners and flags attached to 2 of the "wands". These are obviously important travelers. Book meaning: success after hardship, public acclaim. Maybe today will be the day we get the go-ahead to move in... Side note: I purchased a piece of moldavite, which supposedly clears obstacles that are holding you back. 
• End of Day thoughts: Nope, not today. I am however, getting a slight move up at work (not a full promotion, which is fine).

• Day 19: 6/9/2021: The Devil: Oh. Okay. Well I mean, this card depicts hell and suffering. But, I could also take the damn thing literally. I had 3 different guys bounce into my inbox today. One to try to drag me down, one as a friend venting about his life, and the other asking me personal crap because he doesn't have boundaries. The book meaning of this card is that something is holding you back, or that its time to battle inner demons.
• End of day thoughts: One person blocked: this was a struggle, as I always view this person as "not bad", but then he really is not good for my life. The one dragging me down: proved him wrong, so like always he dropped it only to attack me about something else later. I cried all the way home. I am so tired of fighting with this person; I just want to have a happy,quiet life with my family. I am tired of being questioned about literally everything I do. I'm done with it. 
• Day 20: 6/10/2021: Four of Cups: First pull was Judgement again. Thank you for the uplifting message, especially after yesterday. Then Nine of Wands. Time of change. Finally I pull Four of Cups. New opportunities being offered, but ignored. I am too tired to even try to intuit these, but it seems pretty straightforward.  Change and opportunities. For the love of god let it be the damn house already! LOL
• End of day thoughts: 

How Times Have Changed

My whole world was turned on its head a few months ago. And I have never been happier.

I left a bad situation. I am not thrilled that I let it go on for so long. But I am out, and my girls are safe. It is going to be a while before we are fully healed and moved on, but it's a start.

I am taking control of my life for the first time in a long time. I bought a car, I have set a budget that I have been sticking to, I have been making my own decisions and rules for my life.

I have a great man in my life. I refuse to hear bad things said about him, because he is amazing and I truly don't deserve him. He brings me peace, and I hope I bring him happiness in return.

I left my management position for a receptionist job. I am so glad I did. This job is everything I could ever dream of, and I love it more than I thought I would.

I found my word. RISE. And once I found it, that is what I have been striving to do. Rise above the obstacles, the pain, the past. I have it posted on everything I look at during the day as a constant reminder. And in doing so, I have been so much healthier.

So now, advice. 

Do the scary thing, to take care of yourself. Even if it seems like it's impossible, that it's such a HUGE undertaking, try. Take small steps. You will be amazed how far you can get with one step at a time.

Find your word. If you need help, or a reminder, go to myintent.org. One word can make such a difference in your life. 

Finally, look around you and find your tribe. I have always believed that I can choose who belongs in my family, and lately that has been proven in astounding ways. Open yourself up, to love, to friendship, to everything you could possibly want if you just let yourself have it.

Good luck to you, and have a great day!

101 In 1001: Watch 26 Movies I've Never Seen

 This challenge should be fun.

The goal is to watch 26 movies I have never seen, starting with each letter of the alphabet. For this, I am going to post which movie I have chosen, when I watch it, and what I thought.

**Movies may change depending on what gets watched first, availability, etc.**

• A- America's Sweethearts: watched; stayed up til 1am to finish it haha
• B- Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
• C- Casablanca
• D- Dangerous Liasons or Doctor Sleep
• E- East of Eden
• F- Five Year Engagement
• G- Germany Year Zero or Get A Job
• H- Howl's Moving Castle or High Fidelity
• I- I Married A Witch
• J- Jacob's Ladder or Jojo Rabbit
• K- The Kid (Charlie Chaplin)
• L- Lars and the Real Girl or The Last Kiss
• M- Malcolm X or Margaret
• N- Nausicaa
• O- One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest
• P- The Pallbearer or A Patch of Blue
• Q- Quadrophenia
• R- Real Women Have Curves
• S- Safe House or Singin' In The Rain
• T- That Hamilton Woman or A Time to Kill
• U- Untamed Heart or Unpregnant
• V- Viva Las Vegas
• W- Walk of Shame or White Oleander
• X- X-Men Dark Phoenix
• Y- Yellow Brick Road
• Z- Zodiac

101 In 1001: Read a new book each month.

 So, first of all, I did sort of fall off a bit on this one. I didn't document everything I read in 2020, which was way more than the few books I am listing. I am picking this up again as of February 2021, and will be updating monthly, or as I complete each book.

    2020 books

• Post Apocalyptic Nomadic Warrior: Duck and Run: I really liked this book. It was creative and not your average "Zombie Apocalypse" book. I will be continuing the series. Side note: for some reason every time I see this title, my mind starts singing "Have Gun Will Travel".
• Eat Pray Love: It took me way too long to finish this book. I actually really liked it. I have also watched the movie, and it is actually at the point where I am unsure which I like more. It inspired me to continue my spiritual journey in every way possible.
• Land of Stories books 1-3: This series is surprising. The author is Kurt from Glee, and I LOVE it. It is not a re-imagining of the fairy tales you know, as much as it is a continuation after "Happily Ever After" with two kids plunked in the middle. The only reason I stopped after book 3 is because I am not ready for whatever trauma is about to happen lol.
• Alice In Zombieland Series books 1-3: Again, a great series that I stopped because I am not ready for the trauma haha. I accidentally read the book jacket of the book after next, and I stalled out halfway through book 4. I went into this series thinking it was going to be like Pride & Prejudice & Zombies.... which I have not actually read but did see the movie. It is NOTHING like it. Some of the symbolism from Wonderland is there, but not the story itself. Would have been cool, but still a really good series.

    2021 Books

• January: Julie and Julia: where the heck did I put this book....
• February: The Compound Effect: This book is the start of my self-improvement kick. I have started reading more personal growth books, listening to podcasts, signed up for Success Magazine... The writer of this book is a former publisher at Success. This book focuses on how small change can and will snowball into something huge. Great book.
• February: The ONE Thing: In progress
• February: Spilled Milk: I literally read this in one day. Based on a true story, the author conveys a story of an abuse victim, and the aftermath of her finally telling someone. It is well written, and will make you feel all the feels. Amazing. I highly recommend, especially because it shows that you can't just look at someone and know they are suffering.
• February: Lost Girls: An okay suspense book, though I hesitate to categorize it as that. There were some amazing parts. But I feel that some things could have been fleshed out a little more, changed since there were so many of the same scenarios. I did make it through it, which is a big indicator that it is interesting (If it doesn't grab me within the first chapter I never go back).
• February: Someone Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead: OBSESSED. This is a funny book, and crazy. It is a fiction book about a witch that inherits what is essentially a haunted house. But it is way more than that and I am excited to power through the whole series.
• March: Someone Tell Aunt Tillie We're In Trouble: Again, great book. This one is about the main character's best friend causing all sorts of trouble with a toad bone. Already bought the next book.
• March: Someone Tell Aunt Tillie We're Canning Demons: NOOOOOO! I powered through the whole series in days. I read Someone Tell Aunt Tillie We're Kidnapping Cupid as well. So good. There is another book to be released and I can't freaking wait.
• March: Amethyst Witch: Well I spiraled into a Witch genre binge. This book is the first of the Stacy Justice series, and it was really good. Didn't focus so much on witchiness, but it was a pretty good "mystery" book. This was written by an author who collab'd with the writer of Tillie, so I had to check it out. Not disappointed.
• March: Summer Magic: Good book. Paranormal (witch) romance. First in a series that I can't wait to dive into. I will say, they use the word sister sooooo much. But otherwise it is great. Deals with a witch family dealing with love, drama, and family.
• March: The Faerie Guardian: Pretty good book, but a lot of cliffhangers that are apparently being touched on in the sequel. There's not really too much to say about it. It was good, but one of those that isn't easy to recall later.
• March: Opal Fire: A pretty good sequel to Amethyst Witch. More witchiness, way more mystery. And a huge twist at the end. Probably going to wait a little bit to read the next installment though.
• March: Beneath The Attic: This is a prequel to Flowers In The Attic. I feel like maybe I have read this before, because it feels so familiar to me. I love V.C. Andrews, and all of her series. 
• March: Always Room For Cupcakes:This book was fun! Mildly raunchy, definitely crazy. It's about a woman who is working as a photographer for a PI, who gets herself into all sorts of trouble.
• March: Autumn Magic: Sequel to Summer Magic. I am loving this series. It is funny, and also moved me to tears. This one doesn't use the word sister as much. Also this series is marked 18+ due to sexual content. The first four books deal with each sister's love life, as well as their quest to save their mother.
• March: Winter Magic: I read this one in the matter of hours. Hilarious, but also with some stomach-dropping moments. Already started on the next one. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.
• March: Spring Magic: This one broke my soul. All of the other books were good, but this one is so much MORE. I cried a few times, because it makes you feel so much.
• April: Girl, Wash Your Face: In progress
• April: Update: I am up to book 8 of the Thorne series (Summer Magic and it's sequels). Still really good; however I now have no idea where the books are leading as a few of the main plotlines have been concluded.
• December: Whoops, fell behind. I am tunneling through Berkley Street, book One. Amazing so far!

50 Questions To Open Your Mind

 

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I'd probably be 25, as I still think I am 25 in my mind... I'm actually 34.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying. When you fail, you learn. If you never try, you always wonder.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Social pressures.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I hope not... So far I think it's pretty even.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I wish people would hate less and care more.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Hmm. I mean, I like the job I do right now (reception-y type person). However, I'd probably do something with books or animals.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I was definitely settling a few months ago. However, I feel like I'm on the right path now.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I wouldn't spend so much time in unhappy settings.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? Oh geez. I think its torn in half. There were times I was in full control (like now) and times I was being controlled.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? As a mom, I think I definitely worry about doing the right things. And now that I am in a healthy, loving relationship, that is a big worry. I have made so many mistakes in the past.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Get up and leave. It isn't worth my time to fight with them, I wouldn't change their minds. However, they no longer would have my respect and I refuse to sit there and deal with that.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Don't worry about other people; do what makes you happy.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Absolutely. Without question.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? No. As an artistic thinker, I usually see just creativity.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? I handle stress differently. I tend to freeze and cry for like 10 minutes, then tackle it full force.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because everyone is different and likes different things?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? I want to visit Greece and New Orleans.... and I haven't gone because of money and time constraints. One day I will.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Not lately. A few months ago the answer was yes. I was holding so tight to something making my family miserable, all because I thought it was the right thing to do.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Greece. Or Pennsylvania. Both for the same reason: I find them beautiful.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? Yes I do, but it's not a speed thing. I like pushing buttons.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful simpleton. I'm tired of being worried constantly, I need a break lol.
22. Why are you, you? I am a mixture of both of my parents. I grew up wild and carefree, but at some point I lost myself to worry. And now I am trying to get it back so my daughters are shown what happy looks like.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? For the most part yes. There were bits of time when someone has swayed me from that. But my friends know who I am, and know why I would act differently at some points.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Definitely the latter. You can always stay in touch and visit someone if you love them enough. But to lose touch with someone close by means that your friendship wasn't important to either one or both of you and that is sad.
25. What are you most grateful for? My kids and my chosen family. They make me happy and get me through the tough times.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? That is an impossible question. If I lost my old ones, I would lose so many of people I no longer have, ones who helped shape me into who I am. However, if I could never make new ones, I'd miss out on all the future memories with my kids, and my boyfriend, and all the amazing things to come.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? I want to say no.... but isn't that what faith is? The absolute knowledge that something is true, even when you have no way of proving it?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? No. Thank the gods... I have been through incredible pain, but if my greatest fear came true I don't know how I would go on living. (I rarely even voice what it is, but you can probably guess.)
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? ...yes. Small upsets don't matter. Life brings you to where you are supposed to be. And I went through it all to reach this point. However, some of those big hurts affected my children, and right now they still feel it, so yes it matters.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? Weekend trips to visit family. So much has happened since then, and I don't talk to them as much, and we've lost so many along the way...
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? When I left the worst situation of my life. I felt so broken and lost. But I was so angry, so done with it, that I began moving and didn't stop til it was over. And it brought...peace.
32. If not now, then when? Well, lately I have been living in the now and doing as much as I can. However, my big dreams are waiting until my kids are a little older, or at least we aren't in a state of flux.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Depends on what it is. I am reaching for a lot right now. However, if I reach too far, I could lose everything I hold dear. However, that in itself could be the start of something even greater, so who knows.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Not quite... but I will say that I can sit with my boyfriend and just BE and walk away at peace and stronger and fulfilled.
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because they feel that someone has to be right, and it MUST be them. Which is why I say I am not religious, I am spiritual.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? Definitely not. I feel that some things are not strictly good or evil. Just like people can be good but do bad things, or bad but do good things.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? No. I love my job. I would definitely keep it, at least for a little while. 
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work that I enjoy doing. Like I said, I love my job... but I get it done so quick that I wish there was more lol.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Not this day... But there have definitely been times like that. Where I didn't even want to get out of bed because I knew it was going to be more of the same.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? About a month ago. I normally don't. I need to KNOW. But I broke, and I had to go and believe that it would all be okay if I just kept going.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? This is a terrible question. I would visit my 2 best friends for a bit, and then gather my dad, my daughters, and my boyfriend at night.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Nope. I do not care about that stuff. The people that love me already think I'm beautiful, and famous isn't worth it.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive is just going through life. Truly living is doing what makes you happy, taking risks, enjoying it.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? As much as you can, as soon as you can.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? I think it is human nature to be afraid to fail and let others down. It is perceived guilt for something that actually makes us better.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Pfft. I don't really care what people think of me. Although.... I think I'd day drink more lol.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Last night. I have a snoring problem and was trying out nasal strips and I was very conscious of how quiet it was.
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love my family. I love my job. And I try to express those loves in words, gifts and actions as much as possible.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? Not really. I will most likely remember the feelings... which is bliss.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I am making my own decisions for the first time in a long time. Not the little ones like "where do you want to eat" cuz I suck at that. But the big ones, yeah.

My Body Image Aha Moment

I cannot hate my body anymore.

I have been looking at myself, and telling myself I need to get back to who I used to be, but that isn't me anymore. I can't fit Junior sizes anymore. My body looks better in vintage one pieces than bikinis. I have rolls that show through my clothes.

I need to embrace them, and stop wishing they would go away.

I am told I am sexy, and beautiful, and perfect.... but I find it so hard to believe it. Because I am holding on to that thin body, that worked out every day, and only had one kid, and bounced back immediately. That body ate barely anything, drank protein shakes and ate mainly veggies. That body is gone.

I have learned to enjoy food, and relax, but the whole time I have been critical of how I was changing physically. Guess what? Changes happen. Now is my journey to find happiness in the vessel I was given, and be proud of all it has done.

I will no longer avoid the mirror. I will look lovingly at my curves. I will remind myself that I am healthy. I will be active, but I won't hold myself to an impossible goal.

I will allow my body to have peace.

Letter to my past self

Written for 18 year old me.

Dear Patricia Marie,

Hello. You don't know me yet, but I know you very well. I have never been good at writing letters, but I feel like you need to know some things, so here goes.

YOU ARE AN AMAZING HUMAN.

You have always been confident in who you are, true to your beliefs, smart, and strong. Somewhere along the way, you lose that, and I wish you hadn't, because I fight every day to get it back.

You are about to go on a terrifying adventure, but you are going to be great at it. You will make some mistakes along the way, but you learn from them... eventually.

Some advice for you, that you won't listen to: don't let people push you around. Stand your ground and trust your gut. Don't sneak around and lie; it becomes your way of life and you don't want to be that person, trust me. Don't stay in relationships that break you. Work harder to keep the good ones, and not so hard to keep the bad.

You are going to be like your mother sometimes. Get over it. In your desire to be complete opposites, you actually hurt yourself, and let other people hurt you, and that isn't okay. NO ONE has the right to hurt you.

Do not drop out of college. It is a huge regret, and I understand why you do it, but giving up makes life so much harder later on.

Be unequivocally you. People will try to change you, and extinguish the inferno inside of you... tell them to shove it. You are awesome, and you make some great friends because of it. Don't let them go because of someone else. Again, trust your gut.

Don't listen to people who tell you that you can't do something. You can do ANYTHING.

I don't want to ruin the surprises coming in the future, but know, you are blessed, and loved, and perfect exactly how you are. Don't listen to people that say you aren't; they are liars and in reality, they are the ones that are disliked and they want to drag you down.

Most of all, I love you. I will always love you, and when I think of who you are, I want to be more like you.

Have fun in your life.

Love always,
Yourself